Everybody can’t be a coon.
As much as I believe in Black excellence and our potential to achieve on the highest levels, there is a difference between a first-ballot hall-of-famer like Clarence Thomas and a Team Wypipo all-star like Candace Owens. Jason Whitlock might be one of this generation’s finest practitioners of delusional self-hate. But Whitlock pales in comparison to Alan Keyes, who was a genuine crazy person. Thomas Sowell can’t even hold Condoleezza Rice’s jockstrap.
That’s why we need a coon classification system.
While “coon” is often used as a pejorative to describe Black people who participate in anti-Blackness, before it was weaponized by social media, the term was used for jigging at the highest level. Discussing this topic with nuance and insight requires a system that distinguishes between Black conservatives and the people who Harriet Tubman would’ve shot.
That’s why ContrabandCamp created the Yes Massa Matrix—the first-of-its-kind ranking template that identifies the difference between house negroes and those of the “bitch-ass” variety.
Here are the six kinds of coons, ranked from low to lowest.
6. Suspect
In Black vernacular, “suspect” is an adjective used to describe someone whose behavior warrants a healthy dose of side-eye. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but there’s something about them that makes your nigga senses tingle. Maybe it’s his lineup that screams Supercuts. Sometimes, it’s a co-worker who always goes to your white supervisor whenever there’s a problem in the department you lead.
These are the people that know about the cookout but never come. If they show up, just fix them a plate and keep an eye on them. And never let your guard down around them. I’m not saying they’ll snitch; I’m just saying they’re suspect. So just to be sure…
Don’t tell them about the slave revolt.
Famous people who are/were suspect: William O’Neal, Hakeem Jeffries, Drake fans, Peter the Apostle (before the cock crowed three times), Black men with no facial hair, Drake.
5. Grifters/Sellouts
The great thing about sellouts is that they openly acknowledge whose side they’re on. Grifters know they’re wrong but are willing to align themselves with anti-Blackness if the check has enough zeroes.
And, contrary to popular belief, money is not the sole reason why grifters sell out. Some do it for power. Others are motivated by the proximity to power. And sometimes, it's simply for the perception of safety and financial security that whiteness affords them.
There are sellouts under indictment right now who sold their vote to Donald Trump for a $1,226 stimmy and a PPP loan they never intended to pay back. Candace Owens believed in racial justice (and edges) before selling her soul to Charlie Kirk’s anti-woke TPUSA. Now that her benefactor is dead, she’s slowly making her way home. Shortly before killing police reform, Tim Scott told me personally that he believes “there’s racism in America” and “pockets of racism in police departments.”
Famous grifters: Judas. People who still shop at Target. Daniel Cameron. Nicki Minaj. Sheriff David Clarke. Van Jones. Terrence Williams.
4. Sucka
Whatever happened to suckas?
Whether it was an official correspondence to Carlton Ridenhour from the government, the musician known as the “King of Rock n Roll” or just a mediocre emcee, there was a time when being a sucka was one of the worst things a person could be. In fact, one could argue that labeling a run-of-the-mill “nigga,” with the s-word was worse than calling them a B.A.N.
Here is the difference between a sucka and a sellout:
A sellout is a grifter who is willing to abandon their personal ethics in exchange for financial reward. A sucka is someone whose integrity has always been compromised. Their moral compasses are perpetually pointed in the direction of whiteness because suckas are essentially lames who fell for it. Not only do they align themselves with anti-Blackness, they actually believe the narratives they promote.
Jay-Z doesn’t just rap about the redemptive power of capitalism; he truly believes that money will save us. In 2014, when America had a Black president, a Black attorney general and the highest Black voter turnout in history, I met an ESPN employee who was advocating for Black people to vote Republican.
By all accounts, Stephen A. Smith truly believes everything he says. And sure, his conservative beliefs probably benefit him financially. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s grifting. It’s entirely possible, perhaps even likely, that Smith is not a sellout.
Maybe he’s just a sucka.
Famous suckas: Black capitalists. Floyd Mayweather. 63% of rappers. People who believe in the “Democratic Plantation.” Ben Carson. Waka Flocka. Herschel Walker.
3. House Negro
Some Black people love whiteness more than white people do.
House negroes don’t just love their country; their patriotism, religion and moral values are in direct opposition to Blackness. They believe kneeling down during the national anthem is akin to shitting on the grave of the founders. They don’t want white people to feel bad, so they don’t mind banning CRT. Whenever someone talks about police brutality, they ask why we don’t believe that “all lives matter.”
I could go on, but someone has already explained the phenomenon perfectly:
Famous house negroes: Condoleezza Rice. People who point out that “all lives matter.” Byron Donalds. Anyone who criticizes the Koch Brothers but not AIPAC. Tiger Woods. Thomas Sowell. People who criticized Black people for “disrespecting the memory of Charlie Kirk.” Paris Dennard. Pastor Mark Burns.
2. Coon
Coons do it for the white man.
While every group on this list loves basking in the blinding glow of caucasity, Coons have a special gear that is specifically reserved for the white gaze. What separates them from their peers is their niggerosity. Instead of acting, dressing and talking like white people, they entertain white audiences with a performative version of Blackness.
They don’t just talk loud; they talk louder than loud Black people. They don’t just dance; they furiously shuck; they jive with the desperation of a thousand jigaboos. By stepping, fetching and throwing around Black slang, they demonstrate their authenticity and prove their negro street cred. And by doing so, they validate the caricature of Black people that only exists in the white imagination.
Famous coons: Azealia Banks. Charleston White. Black men who only date white girls because white women are “submissive.” Officer Brandon Tatum. Jesse Lee Peterson. Diamond and Silk. Big Groove.
1. Boomerangs
The most dangerous animal in the coon kingdom is the Black person who attacks Black people more than they attack white supremacy.
Usually this person’s Black liberation ideology is often so far left that it has circled back around to anti-Blackness. And because they are more invested in themselves than the Black community writ large, they began hating anyone who doesn’t fully agree with them. If you believe in reparations, but not their specific version, they count you as an enemy. If you voted for Kamala Harris but criticized her silence on Israel, you might as well be MAGA to a boomerang. Conversely, if you voted for Kamala Harris in spite of her stance on Israel, you hate Palestinians and are supporting a genocide. If you don’t care if trans women play sports, you are part of the gay agenda that is destroying Black families. If you are a Bible-believing Christian, you are following a white man’s religion.
These people are opps.
While their rhetoric and their performative radicalism might be pro-Black, they have adopted the ideological ways of whitefolk. They might truly believe they give a fuck about Black issues, but the result of their vehement fanaticism is just as destructive an impediment to Black liberation as a top-tier coons. They hate Black moderates. They hate Black Christians and Black atheists and Black feminists and Black scholars and people who haven’t read Du Bois and the “talented tenth” and Booker T. Washington and people who wear bonnets and capitalism and white liberal ideology and everyone and everything that doesn’t fit their narrow definition of what freedom looks like…
Just like white people.
Famous boomerangs: Black Americans who are anti-immigrant. Briahna Joy Gray. Black immigrants who think they’re better than Black Americans. Tariq Nasheed. Black Bernie Bros. who are still mad. People who escaped the Democratic Plantation. Democrats who whine about Democratic Socialists. DSA members who criticize Black Democrats.
Today’s Reading List:
The 7 Kinds of Kanye by Michael Harriot
The Real Story of Black Martha’s Vineyard by Genelle Levy
The Uncle Conundrum by Michael Harriot
Did Kamala Harris’s Silence on Gaza Cost Her the White House? by Ta-Nehisi Coates
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