Last week, after reading our article titled “The Woke Mob Was Right,” a paid subscriber asked the following question:
“What would you do if everyone white dropped dead tomorrow? I mean, after you had six orgasms and cartwheeled down the street whinnying with joy for a couple three hours. What then? What would you do if America turned into your whiteless paradise overnight? I think life would suddenly and irreversibly become a huge pain in the ass.”
ContrabandCamp is a safe space.
This community could not exist without the aid and support of readers who ask thought-provoking questions like this. We wanted to create a community where people can explore ideas and ask questions without being marginalized or dismissed as unimportant. For instance, when one of our subscribers brought up the important topic that has bedeviled historians, we found an answer.
According to our sources (Google), the first article on the internet containing the words “raisins,” “potato salad” and “white people” occurred on May 15, 2015, when an amateur race-card player wrote: “And please don’t try no new shit like potato salad with raisins or vegetarian shish kabobs.”
Today, I wanted to give this question the time and thought that it deserves. Here is a step-by-step guide for what I’d do if all the white people dropped dead tomorrow.
Step 1: Don’t Clean Up
The first thing I would do is find a pair of earplugs. (I’d need something to drown out Stephen A. Smith and Jason Whitlock’s moans.)
Most people’s first instinct would be to get rid of those dead bodies, but I’d wait until scientists could pinpoint the cause of death. Were they killed by a bacteria that grows on unwashed legs or were they attacked by a privilege-devouring parasite that avoids melanin, washcloths and people who use Lawry’s?
If you’re concerned about the smell, don’t worry; most Black people wouldn’t be close enough to catch a whiff of the Caucasian corpses. According to Brookings’ analysis of the latest census, even though the white population is declining, most white people live in white neighborhoods around other white people.
Plus, you know that there would be a white-passing Karen (or Kari Lake, perhaps) holed up in her cul-de-sac calling 911 on the Black body removal team.
Step 2: Reparations
Now that Black people are in charge, the first official act of the government will be to compensate the descendants of the white genocide.
I know what you’re thinking. Yes, all the white people dropped dead. But what about the biracial people? What about Amy Coney Barrett’s children, the newly widowed Candace Owens and all the children of pro athletes who are left without a mother? After they are fairly compensated, we will redistribute the remaining white wealth to the descendants of the enslaved.
Fair is fair.
Step 3: Rebuild Society
Now that white people are gone, we finally have the opportunity to make America great.
Besides redistributing the capital owned by wealth-hoarding capitalists, we wouldn’t have to worry about the people least likely to support a living wage, police reform, health care reform, gun reform, free college education, teaching the true history and higher viscosity lotions.
Step 4: Don’t Fuck Around
Before we organize a global cookout, we’d need to know whose definition of white we are using.
There is no scientific, biological or genetic basis for race, nor is there a universally agreed upon definition of whiteness. So, are we using the “one drop rule” that white Americans invented, or are we talking about people who look white? Would everyone in the Middle East and North Africa suffer from this spontaneous extinction event because the U.S. Census Bureau classifies them as white? Would people who “don’t see color” be able to witness …
Never mind, only white people say that.
No matter which definition you use, white people only make up somewhere between 10 and 15% of the world’s population.
Step 5. Find Out
But, to answer your question, if all the white people on Earth dropped dead, I would try to find out who killed all the white people before it killed me.
That’s the point I was trying to make.
Emancipated Black people and those who escaped plantations still fought the institution of slavery. Black people who left the South still protested Jim Crow. Black people who aren’t immigrants are still willing to fight for the humane treatment of immigrants. We fought for everyone’s civil and constitutional rights. We spoke out against the law enforcement officer who murdered George Floyd and the one who killed Renee Good.
Most people would want to abolish anything that harms, kills or erases someone’s existence just because that person has a different ethnicity or background …
Today’s Reading List:
Hair-Dryer-Roasted Chicken Wins the 2018 Award for the Whitest Thing on the Internet by Michael Harriot
Sky Full of Elephants by Cebo Campbell
The Inspiring Force of We Shall Overcome by Noah Adams
Stephen A. Smith Doesn’t Think Black NBA Players Should Wear Hoodies Because Stephen A. Smith Is Stupid by Michael Harriot
Thank you, Dr. Mary M. Marshall, Autumn Morrison, Chloe, Ea Himmelbjerg, AntoDiNetto and many others for tuning into The Wake-Up Call Live!
