Top 10 Job Prospects for Marjorie Taylor Greene

What are the career opportunities for an unemployed right-wing conspiracy theorist?

(ContrabandCamp)

One of America’s least productive, most divisive legislators has officially announced her plans to become a certified quitter.

Apparently exhausted from passing zero pieces of legislation that became law, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) announced that she will stop receiving government handouts for doing nothing three days after she qualifies to receive her Congressional pension. “I will be resigning from the office with my last day being January 5, 2026,” Greene said in an official statement posted on Twitter.

Greene’s decision to leave the MAGA plantation came after Massa Donald Trump publicly whipped her for disobeying his authority in the whitest beef since Eminem vs. Stan. The white-on-white gangbanging was sparked by Greene’s allergic reaction to a microscopic speck of humanity when she urged her GOP colleagues to support people affected by the recent government shutdown. Trump responded by posting a randomly capitalized White Twitter Truth Social rant withdrawing his support for the CrossFit instructor-turned-insurrectionist.

While Greene’s emigration from MAGAland shocked Washington insiders, others are wondering about her future plans. Aside from Vanity Fair, Fox News and every major corporation in the world, who would hire a mediocre white woman with no apparent experience or expertise?

Because we are always fighting for the overprivileged, the HR team at ContrabandCamp put together a list of job opportunities for the future welfare queen.

10. The Stephen A. Smith of Joe Rogans

According to our calculations, Marjorie Taylor Greene is one of the few people in the world who doesn’t have a podcast.

Since white America is so fond of cultural appropriation, Greene could easily corner the market with a spinoff called “The White Breakfast Club.” I’m thinking Andrew Schulz could fill DJ Envy’s role, with Laura Loomer as the MAGA Jess Hilarious. I bet the ratings would be through the roof, even if Barack Obama were the Donkey of the Day every day.

If Charlamagne isn’t willing to share his intellectual property, Stephen A. Smith has already said he wants to be the next Joe Rogan. I’m sure ESPN would love to capture the 18-54-year-old white female audience they’ve been missing since Caitlin Clark lost her superpowers. Imagine a “First Take”-style debate show called Steph & Fetchit with Stephen A. Smith and Marjorie Taylor Greene screaming into the microphone about Jasmine Crockett.

It’s ratings gold, I tell you!