Throwback Thursday: The 7 Habits of Highly Enjoyable White People

It's time to honor the upstanding citizens of white America.

(YouTube/WavyWebSurf)

This post appeared on NegusWhoRead on May 24, 2016.

Sometimes we get so mired in the morass of the Kardashians and Dolezals of the world that we sometimes forget about one of the most pleasurable and appealing subsets of the Caucasian population:

Cool-ass white people.

Even if you graduated from Dr. Umar’s Institute for Hotep Arts, you’ve met one or more cool-ass white people. I know it’s hard to believe, but even I have some white friends (I had them sign an NDA). For every insensitive, racist person surfing through society on privilege and white supremacy, there exists a genuinely considerate Caucasian who is a decent and caring human being.

Well … maybe the ratio isn’t 1:1, but my point is, instead of concentrating on assholes, we should be studying the nature of cool-ass white people and what makes them so enjoyable so we can use it to multiply their numbers. Today, we present a scientific examination of the tendencies of white people that Black people enjoy being around.

1. They’re white.

I know this seems obvious, but being a white person who knows they’re white is probably the No. 1 habit of cool-ass white folks.

Nothing is more infuriating than the Caucasian who tries to identify with you by slipping into ebonics-laden slang and an “urban” demeanor in order to ingratiate themselves to you. This is called reverse code-switching and is one of the most insulting and annoying things a white person can do. It is the equivalent of speaking baby-talk to a grown man or trying to communicate with a dog by barking. It’s not like Black people speak a foreign language or are a different animal species.

Cool-ass white people say “Hi” and give firm handshakes instead of trying to dap you up while uttering, “What’s up, bro?”*

They understand that Black people live, work and exist in a white world, so there is no need to talk down to them. Plus, the greatest indication of a real, genuine human being is that they are always true to themselves. Cool-ass white dudes don’t try to impress you by talking about the new Young Thug album or the latest episode of “Power.” They ask if you like the Dave Matthews Band and engage you in deep discussions about “Game of Thrones.” Even if they like rap, they don’t try to pretend they’re “down.”

When I was in high school, my skateboarder friend Trey ran against me for senior class president. Even after he lost, Trey still invited me to go to a concert to see his hip-hop idol, Kool Moe Dee. At our 20th high school reunion, I informed the DJ, who is my cousin, that a guy named Trey was gonna request Kool Moe Dee.

“Who’s that?” my cousin asked.

“You’ll know him,” I responded. “He’s the cool-ass white dude.”

“Aight, fam,” the DJ replied. “But who the fuck is Kool Moe Dee?”

*“Bro” is the Caucasian equivalent of “fam,” while “brother” is akin to being a white person’s cousin.**

**White people don’t have cousins. I know it’s confusing, bro.

Examples: Trey; white people who pledge enough money to get the tote bag from NPR and actually use it at the grocery store; I’ve never met her, but I feel like Rachel Maddow is a cool-ass white chick.

2. They aren’t afraid of Black people.

White people will jump out of a plane with a kite strapped to their backs just to see if it will work, but are afraid to drive through a Black neighborhood. But cool-ass white people aren’t afraid of temporary minority status. When I was a freshman in college, my white roommate invited me to a party at his frat house. The following year, he showed up by himself at a step show and my fraternity’s after party to “support me.” He still says that is the most fun he’s ever had.

You must be careful which aspects of Black culture you introduce to cool-ass white people, though, because centuries of privilege have robbed some white people of their ability to sense danger. I left my friend alone for a few minutes at that party and returned to find him barking and trying to step like a Que.

I had to sneak that cool-ass white dude out of there like I was Harriet Tubman.

Examples: George Lucas; For some reason, every local weatherman I’ve met is cool AF; Alex Trebek.

3. They ask stupid questions.

Cool-ass white dudes don’t ask offensive questions, but they’ll ask stupid ones. I know some people believe that there are no stupid questions or that the only stupid questions are the ones you don’t ask, but those people probably don’t know any good white people. Because enjoyable white people can acknowledge race and still treat you like a human being, the white person having breakfast with you might genuinely want to know if you prefer grape jelly or raspberry preserves.

Just the other day, my friend Kieran was ranting about this new band that he had recently discovered. “Have you ever heard of Parliament Funkadelic?” he asked.

“Have you ever heard of the Beatles?” I said while opening the jar of grape jelly.

Examples: white social workers; The entire cast of “Sesame Street”; anyone who invites you to smoke “a doobie.”

4. They want to be better.

Have you ever been in a conversation about race with a white person and they tried to one-up you by telling you how they went to an all-Black middle school or how they were picked on by the Black kids at their basketball camp that one summer?

When someone tries to do that to me, I refrain from explaining to them that that is simply a fucked up thing that happened to them one time and is akin to telling a person suffering the effects from chemotherapy for terminal cancer, “Yeah man, I know how it is. I had the flu in 1998, and I thought I was going to die.”

Instead of recounting how they grew up in the ghetto and “don’t have a racist bone in their body,” or that they grew up in the ghetto, they will acknowledge their imperfections by admitting that they’re learning. I know it’s not our job to teach white people how not to be racist. But who’s gonna teach them?

White people?

Examples: People who go to poetry slams but don’t write poetry; white attorneys who were about to make partner at a prestigious law firm until they worked pro bono on an exoneration case, and now they’re a law professor at an HBCU.

5. They appropriate culture … CORRECTLY.

Let’s be honest, if it weren’t for Black culture, the only dances would be the chicken dance, and all the music in bars would be classical European chamber songs. (Have you ever tried to holla at a woman to baroque cello music and ask her if she wanted to join you on the dance floor to do the Macarena?

Cool white people know how to let the culture inspire them without sucking the soul out of it. The Rolling Stones is essentially a blues band, but they didn’t just imitate B.B. King—they admitted that Black artists inspired them to make something that appeals to their whiteness. We don’t mind you borrowing from us as long as you acknowledge the source of your inspiration and don’t act like you created it

That’s why people think Mick Jagger is a cool-ass white dude. It’s why Black people like Eminem but think Post Malone is a culture vulture who’s looking to be the next Kid Rock. It’s why nobody liked Jar Jar Binks. Wait …You know Jar Jar was a racist caricature wigger, right?

Well, technically, his species was Gungan,

I guess that actually makes him a “Gigger.”

Examples: Willie Nelson; the one white guy in the Black band at “Tiny Desk” concerts; white people who ask if they can come to the Kwanzaa celebration.

6. They don’t have Black friends.

One of their best friends is never Black. They don’t live next to a nice Black couple. They simply have friends. They just live next to neighbors. One of the hallmarks of cool-ass white people is that they don’t treat you like you’re a Black person. They treat you like a person.

I used to work and travel with one of the last remaining white Darryls, a classically handsome guy who looked like a Marvel superhero and was married to a beauty queen. During some weeks, we would literally spend 24 hours a day together. White Darryl was so white, it took me an entire summer to teach him the Electric Slide. Although I’d never met his wife, he would pester me about hooking up with his wife’s best friend. Even when I told him I would never date someone who hung out with non-Electric Sliders, White Darryl didn’t get the joke.

After about a year of working together, he invited me to his wife’s baby shower. He had already told me that they were naming the baby after his wife’s best friend, so I figured he was still trying to set me up, but I went anyway because he was a cool-ass white dude. Not only had he never told me that his wife was Asian, for a year, he had failed to mention that his wife’s bestie was also a beauty queen.

And she was Black!

So, if you ever meet a half-Asian, half white girl named Imani who can do the Electric Slide, just remember:

Her daddy was a cool-ass white dude.

Examples: Darryl; the white girl who pledged Zeta; the one white guy in the band when a Black person does a “Tiny Desk” concert.

7. They are not allies.

There is a difference between a white friend and a white “ally.”

I can’t tolerate a white ally for more than 6 minutes and 11 seconds at a time. Anything more than that causes my neck to itch. White allies think they are “friends” to Black people, but they usually are just self-righteous, uber-liberals wearing $300 sandals with sore arms from constantly patting themselves on the back for “speaking out” about some form of oppression that Black people really don’t care about.

The easiest way to spot a white ally is that they disguise their subtle racism as concern. Because uncool white allies subconsciously equate Blackness with poverty, oppression and everything negative, they will explain how they began working with the underprivileged children in the overlooked Black communities because they grew up in the inner city, too.

White allies are really just white saviors who didn’t get their white savior license.

True white friends don’t paint themselves as saviors of the poor, wretched and urban; they want to be your friend because they think you’re “awesome.”*

*Cool-ass white people love the word “awesome.” In fact, I don’t trust white people who don’t use that word. When white people invite me anywhere, I assume it’s a trap to lure me to an isolated place to tie me up and offer me as their White Supremacist Secret Society yearly negro sacrifice. But if I tell them I’ll come, and they follow with the one-word sentence, “Awesome,” then I know it’s safe.

Examples: John Brown; white Freedom Riders; Again, I have no idea why, but I feel like Chris Hayes is cool AF.

To the people who have a cool white friend, hold on to them. Treasure them. Watch “Game of Thrones” with them, invite them to Kwanzaa and pretend you never heard of Earth, Wind & Fire. After all, they pretend they like seasoning on their food when they come visit you.

Cool-ass white folk, we salute you!

You’re awesome, bro!