This article was originally published on Sept. 28, 2016.
As we struggle to understand Donald Trump’s cacophony of lies, incendiary statements and braggadocious rhetoric, many of his detractors like to attribute his actions to his wealth, his white-boy privilege, an inflated sense of ego or simply to racism. No one ever takes an evidence-based, scientific, objective look at either presidential candidate and offers a reasonable explanation for their actions…until now.
NegusWhoRead gathered a group of scientists, doctors and people whose VCRs have been stolen by crackheads and came up with the only logical conclusion that any reasonable person can make:
Maybe Donald Trump is a cokehead.
Immediately after Monday night’s debate, former head of the Democratic National Committee, Howard Dean, tweeted:
It should be noted that Howard Dean is not a trader in conspiracy theories or a left-wing nut job. In 2004, he won the Iowa caucuses and was thought to have the inside track to win the presidency, so he has invaluable political experience that should not be dismissed out of hand. More importantly, he is also a trained, licensed physician who ran his own practice in Vermont.
Neither I nor anyone on NegusWhoRead’s staff has ever been to Vermont, but I was (and I am very hesitant to announce this because it may lead to a revocation of my Black card) a huge fan of the sitcom Newhart, which detailed the life of a man who owned a bed and breakfast in Vermont.
Based on my extensive viewing of this show, I can say without equivocation that there are no Black people in Vermont. I watched the show faithfully, so my statement is valid. Based on almost every study ever done, whites use cocaine at higher rates than Blacks, so Howard Dean, a doctor in a state where Bob Newhart’s fictional show is based that proves there are no Black people, is uniquely qualified to talk about the intersection of white people, politics and cocaine. That’s just science.
Asked the next day if the tweet was a haphazard comment, Dean not only reiterated his belief that Trump was a cokehead, he offered medical symptoms to bolster his theory:
“No, I’m suggesting we think about it. Here’s the interesting constellation. So, he sniffs during the presentation, which is something that users do. He also has grandiosity, which is something that accompanies that problem. He has delusions. He has trouble with pressured speech. He interrupted Hillary Clinton 29 times. He couldn’t keep himself together. So, look, do I think at 70 years old he has a cocaine habit? Probably not. But, you know, it’s something that—I think it would be interesting to ask him and see if he ever had a problem with that.”
Although these accusations seem inflammatory and partisan, there are many people on the left and right who have latched on to Dean’s hypothesis, because it offers the only rational explanation for some of Trump’s behavior. If you check out this supercut of Donald Trump’s sniffles, you might reconsider.
Maybe he’s not a racist blowhard after all.
Maybe he’s just a cokehead.
We decided to break down the evidence to see if Donald Trump is really a cokehead.
1. He lies all the time
If you’ve ever been to a party and found yourself trapped in a never-ending conversation with someone high on cocaine, you know that not only could they not shut the fuck up, but they also peppered every sentence with grandiose lies. They offer up lies about how smart they are, how many women they’ve slept with or how many billions of dollars they’re worth. The only way you can get them quiet is to tell them you’re going to get a drink…
Or ask to see their tax returns.
2. He’s always in a fight
I’ve always believed that anyone fighting at the club is either high on cocaine or drunk. Weed smokers don’t fight. It is well-documented that Trump doesn’t touch alcohol, so…
And he’s always starting shit. With Hillary. With Miss Universe contestants. With Megyn Kelly. With Jeb Bush. Trump is like the friend who gets kicked out of every party, and their excuse is always “They started with me first.” You can’t take that motherfucker anywhere! Any person who starts a fight with the parents of a dead soldier, insults a former prisoner of war or mocks a disabled writer’s handicap is probably on something.
3. They have a crazy business idea that cannot fail
Cokeheads always have an insane idea about a business they are going to start that only sounds good if you are high. Whether it’s a line of thong adult diapers or a shampoo for bald people, they always have a fucked up idea, and they want you to invest in it.
Trump has built a career out of this.
Think about it: Only a cokehead could confidently tell a banker, “I know I have six bankruptcies. I know I failed to make a profit selling some of the most lucrative products in the history of the world. I failed at selling liquor, wine, gambling and even football. Hell, I couldn’t sell meat. I know I’m in a lot of debt. But what if, instead of lending to people directly, you let one of the biggest failures in business history lend people money?”
You’d have to be on some good Peruvian nose candy to come up with Trump Mortgages.
But we are supposed to believe he can build a wall and make Mexico pay for it, or has a super-secret, magical plan to defeat ISIS.
Sounds like cokehead talk to me.
4. They know a guy with good coke
I bet Donald gets that good Colombian cocaine that only Pablo Escobar, Scarface and Lindsay Lohan have access to, because he has relationships with despots and dictators around the world.
As a matter of fact, has anyone wondered what he was doing in Mexico a few weeks ago? Was the meeting with the Mexican president a cover for hooking up with El Chapo? Now that I think about it, that’s probably why he keeps big-upping Vladimir Putin every time he is asked about him. It’s not that Trump believes Putin is a better leader than Barack Obama.
He’s just afraid that Hillary’s going to steal his plug.
5. He behaves like he needs a “bump.”
He doesn’t let the press on his plane because he wants “to be alone.” He has a lot of gold-plated stuff. He believes every conspiracy theory because he is paranoid. He talks with his hands. He’s always in the bathroom.
And why is he always up late tweeting when he doesn’t drink coffee?
Who needs Starbucks when you have the devil’s caffeine?
6. Melania
There’s one thing about a guy who’s high on cocaine that is always true. They always leave with the hottest white girl at the party. Even if the dude snorting the booger sugar is Black, he still leaves with a skinny white girl. And she’s never very bright. She says stupid stuff like “My favorite rap group is The Beatles” or “I really did write that convention speech!”
7. He loves to “party”
I thought white people loved getting together with friends and dancing to “Sweet Caroline.”
I was in my 30s before I discovered that when white people ask “if you party,” they were using Caucasian Vernacular English for “would you like to get together and toot some blow?” When he’s not at a “rally,” he’s usually throwing a shindig at Mar-a-Lago. And when he claims to have Black friends, he’s talking about people like Don King, Darryl Strawberry and Lawrence Taylor.
Come on, man.
Maybe Donald Trump isn’t a cokehead, but who are you supposed to believe: the guy who lies almost every time he opens his mouth or a certified medical doctor and the dopest digital magazine on the entire world wide web? We don’t want to sway you either way; we just present the facts.
That’s just science.
.
Yes he is. Greg Olear has had receipts for years now.
It just makes too much sense not to be true