Throwback Thursday: Dealing With Racist Bone Disease

If you've ever heard someone say, "I don't have a racist bone in my body," they might be suffering from skeletal racism. Fortunately, we're here to help.

This essay originally appeared on NegusWhoRead on December 2, 2016.

For centuries, some of America’s most distinguished public figures have escaped criticism of prejudice and bigotry by conducting amateur psychological exams on themselves and declaring to the world that they “don’t have a racist bone in their body.” The list of people who have proclaimed themselves to be racist bone-free includes President-elect Donald Trump, Vice President Joe Biden and every white woman who’s ever struck up a conversation with you at a hotel bar.

Recent advances in wypipogy have finally given scientists the ability to identify the racism bone, revealing that many of the previously accepted self-diagnoses may not be medically sound. Epidemiologists are now scrambling to come up with a vaccine for bone bigotry, but until the FDA approves the antidote, ContrabandCamp would like to provide our readers with this summary of everything we know so far about racism bone disease.

What Is Skeletal Racism?

Congenital Osteowypiposis is a communicable disease that affects nearly 53% of white women and more than 62% of white males.

Although the disorder is known as the “racist bone,” the disease actually infects the marrow, the cartilage and tendons, spreading quickly to all parts of the body. Strangely enough, it begins with a blackening of the heart, followed by a deterioration of the brain, causing severe delusion, the desire to say the n-word in retail stores, chronic apathy and an allergic reaction to people with melanin in their skin. Because of how the disease affects the brain’s cerebral cortex, most sufferers of skeletal racism genuinely believe they aren’t affected, which allows the disease to flourish.

The disease is mostly found in people who wear flip-flops in the winter. But in some instances, Black men can contract “He Gone”-arrhea, mostly through intimate contact with a 53 Percenter or attending CPAC. Unfortunately, these effects are usually irreversible.

Black women seem to be immune to the disease, although scientists note that there are rare cases (called “Diamond and Silk Cell Anemia”) where Black women have been afflicted.

Causes and Risk Factors

Scientists believe the contagion comes from an airborne virus that is spread through repeated contact with others who carry the pathogen. Many of the people stricken with Osteowypiposis acquired it during the early part of their lives before most children’s immune systems develop the antibodies necessary to fight the virus. Undiagnosed carriers of the disease often unknowingly infect family members, friends and co-workers.

Unlike most diseases, skeletal racism can be spread over the internet, via television and even through phone lines. Sites like Reddit, Breitbart, Horse Twitter and White Facebook can infect visitors instantaneously. Fox News’ lineup is essentially a petri dish for the racist bone virus.

Bone-deep racism isn’t limited to conservatives. Other high-risk factors activities include:

• Playing Call of Duty or Grand Theft Auto online

• Listening to Candace Owens

• Bootstrap-pulling

• Losing a job, promotion or admission to college to a Black person

• Living in Alabama

• Having the name “Tucker”

• Voting Republican

• Seeing a Black person in your neighborhood

• Attending Taylor Swift concerts

• Having a career in law enforcement

• Finding out that your daughter is dating a Black man who doesn’t play sports

• Feeling “unsafe”

• Being white

Symptoms

Perhaps the most disturbing part about the illness is that the bone-ified racists can never admit that they are infected. When asked, Osteowypiposis sufferers will offer bold assurances that they have not contracted the virus. However, all of the available research indicates that there has never been a case of a racist who was aware of their racism until it metastasized into its incurable, late-stage form known as the “Trumpian stage.”

In fact, it is virtually impossible for a bigot to self-identify his sickness because they aren’t the ones who are affected by acts of discrimination. Dumb people think they’re smart, people with terrible body odor can’t smell themselves and racists think their prejudices are justified. That’s just science.

Aside from the infected person’s insistence that they are prejudice-free, there are six common identifiers shared by most bone bigots:

1. The invisible Black friend. In the early stages, the infected will insist that “one of their best friends is Black.” It’s always just one friend, and you will never meet their imaginary negro comrade.

2. They voted for Obama: Scientists have just recognized this new symptom and note that white people will never tell you who they voted for unless it’s Barack Obama, despite the fact that whites voted overwhelmingly for Obama’s opponent in 2008 and 2012. And, in our research, we have never found an instance of anyone bragging to a white person: “I voted for Bush ... twice.”

3. The bootstrap delusion: In almost every test case, patients developed a narcissistic fantasy that everything they accomplished was due to their effort, intelligence and high morals. Consequently, they begin to assume that non-white communities have been left behind because they don’t focus on education, family, hard work and Christian values. Eventually, the bone-headedness makes the person so visually impaired that they can’t see the effects of historical discrimination, institutional prejudice or white supremacy in general.

4. They did something for Black people that has a lot of prepositional adverbs: They worked in the upper tier of an inner-city after-school program that focused on underprivileged youth who are over-represented in the lower level of the school-to-prison pipeline.

5. They are allergic to talking about race: Sufferers often develop an acute allergic reaction to discussing slavery, reparations, Jim Crow, lynchings, the racial wealth gap or any form of systematic inequality. Bringing up these topics will induce a reflexive response of them asking why “everything has to be about race,” followed by the infected individual lamenting about people “playing the race card.” The only way they can alleviate this particular symptom is by insisting that they know what Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted.

6. They know all the euphemisms for racism: They aren’t racist, they’re just a socially conservative, economically anxious, white, working-class, mainstream American patriot who respects traditional values, western culture, Southern heritage, law and order, small government, individual liberty, hard work, religious freedom, the Constitution, the troops and — most of all — the flag.

White supremacy is like corn. Your body doesn’t digest it, but you never know how much you’ve eaten until you start shitting it out.

Diagnosis

To find out if you have racist bones in your body, you must consult a professional who specializes in wypipology. However, if there isn’t a board-certified wypipologist in your health insurance network, NegusWhoRead has created a simple 10-question online test that can determine if you are at risk for racism bone disease.

1. Are you racist?

2. When hearing the words “white people,” do you feel the urge to use a variation of “not all…”

3. Has a Black person ever called you racist?

4. How many Black people have slept at your home?

5. Can Luther Vandross sing better than Frank Sinatra?

6. How do you know you’re not racist?

7. How many photographs or artistic depictions of Black people are in your home right now?

8. Have you ever been invited to a cookout?

9. Which makes you more uncomfortable: racism or being called a racist?

10. What steps have you taken to make yourself less racist?

These questions must be asked by a licensed practicing Black person. If you don’t have a Black friend, colleague or associate who can review your questions, don’t worry …

It’s probably too late, anyway.

Treatment

Just as white people cannot diagnose this malady, they also cannot determine how it should be treated. If it were left up to them, the cure for racism would consist of a series of lunchtime diversity seminars, a weekend retreat and a prepared apology written by a public relations team that still allows them to keep their job, political seat or admission to Harvard.

While doctors haven’t produced a pill that cures skeletal racism, researchers are developing a variety of treatments, including:

• Listening to Black people: No, seriously, LISTEN. Don’t talk. Don’t argue. Just pay attention to someone who has more experience, education and expertise.

• Not listening to white people: When it comes to racial issues, why would you listen to the people who are always always always wrong?

• Caucasian chemotherapy: Racism depends on white nonsense to survive. Knowing more about history, studying science and reading peer-reviewed research can sometimes reverse the growth of prejudice.

• Going cold turkey: Preliminary results have determined that the most effective way to end racism is for white people to stop being racist.

• Anti-white antidote: This behavioral therapy is simple: Just study what white people do, then do the opposite.

Whatever treatment you choose, you’ll immediately notice a change in your behavior. You may feel weird sensations such as kindness, empathy or human decency. Some patients have reported a noticeable decrease in frown lines and an increased desire to protest injustice, speak out against systemic inequality and wash their legs.

As with all medical treatments, you might also experience a few negative side effects.

Your racial nervous system may become hypersensitive to phrases such as “I’m not racist but …” or “I don’t see color,” often causing the anal muscles to contract. In rare cases, you might develop an allergic reaction to white people altogether — a condition that affects less than 1% of white patients. Don’t worry; this is common. Studies show that three out of four people who are genetically resistant to Osteowypiposis exhibit some form of Whitefolks Intolerance.

However, if you feel the irresistible urge to recite FBI statistics, call the police or tell someone: “I don’t care if you are Black, white or purple …,” call a doctor.

The treatment didn’t take.

A Brief Word About the Voucher System

One of the most common Caucasian treatments for skeletal racism is to get a Black person to vouch for your lack of racist bones.

Some of America’s most heralded figures have proudly flaunted their white supremacy while being excused from accusations of bigotry by a negro deflector shield. Sen. Tim Scott (R-S.C.) bravely volunteered to serve as Donald Trump’s Black body armor while pro-KKK attorney general nominee Jeff Sessions is already lining up a parade of bootlickers with bad haircuts to give him street cred for his confirmation hearing.

CNN reports:

Larry Thompson, the former deputy attorney general in George W. Bush's administration, recalled sleeping in the same bed in hotel rooms with Sessions "in order to stretch our limited per diems on travel to Department of Justice conferences."

He said, "You really get to know a person when you interact so closely with them," continuing "I have been an African American for 71 years and I think I know a racist when I experience one. Jeff Sessions is simply a good and decent man." He called Sessions a "friend" who "does not have a racist bone in his body."

Sorry, this doesn’t count.

First of all, you can’t beat a murder rap by introducing a witness whose only testimony is: “I’ve known him for 71 years and he didn’t murder me a single time.” Secondly, trotting out a Black person to vouch for a white person only works with white people. If you want a Black person to accept Culturally Ostracized Old Negroes Validating Offensive, Untrustworthy Caucasians to Help Exonerate Racists and Supremacists (COONVOUCHERS), I’m going to need to talk to their barber and watch them fry chicken.

Otherwise, I don’t believe them.

Living With Skeletal Racism

Because it is one of the oldest diseases in America, people afflicted with bone racism are rarely shunned by society. Some of America’s most heralded figures have proudly flaunted their white supremacy while claiming to lack the racist bone. The list spans historically from slave rapist Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln to Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi.

More importantly, you shouldn’t be afraid to admit that you might have a racist bone or two. Everyone has prejudices. But the path toward healing begins with acknowledging your flaws. It’s not like we don’t know it. If Black people hated everyone who exhibited a microscopic atom of racism, we couldn’t leave the house.

And if a racism bone actually existed …

Every Black person in America would own an X-ray machine.