Throwback Thursday: 7 Stages of Dealing With Kanye ... and Crazy MFs

Back in 2016, a rapper named Kanye West seemed to be losing his mind. I'm sure he's doing better now.

YouTube - EllenTube

This post originally appeared on NegusWhoRead on May 22, 2016.

Yesterday, during an appearance on Ellen, Kanye West went on a six-minute tirade, about … well … something. And nothing. And everything.

While it was obvious to me that Kanye was probably high (my amateur diagnosis is backed by no medical expertise except for my extensive experience with both being high and dealing with high motherfuckers.) the internet was suddenly on fire with people ruminating about how Kanye has lost his mind. Lost in all the hubbub was a great learning opportunity because — while Kanye appears to be batshit crazy — no one has talked about the most hilarious part of the Kanye appearance:

Ellen’s face.

When people tell me Ellen’s show is great, I take it the same way that I accept it when women tell me how fine Idris Elba is. Although I don’t watch her show, from the clips I’ve seen, she invites celebrities on to do the white-people dance (Don’t get all politically correct on me now, Negus, and act like you don’t know what the “white people dance” is. It’s the dance that white people who other white people think can dance do when they dance). Ellen does the white-people dance. David Gregory does the white-people dance. Justin Timberlake just dances. I assume she’s funny, but then again, some people like Tyler Perry movies.

Anyway, during Kanye’s appearance, Ellen gave a master’s level course on dealing with crazy motherfuckers. When I say “crazy motherfucker” I don’t mean it in a pejorative way, like suffering from mental illness. “Crazy motherfuckers” are people who get mad, high, drunk or simply fed up, and their dam between crazy and sane breaks until they sober up, leave or calm the fuck down.

We have all been in the uncomfortable space when one of your friends or loved ones goes on an extended tirade and you have to stand there supportively through the entire thing. Whether its your homegirl going off on her boyfriend after too many apple martinis or a co-worker giving the “fuck-all’a-you-motherfuckers” speech just before she quits. Or that one time your friend smoked too much weed and wouldn’t stop talking about how he should have gone back to college and become a lawyer. In these cases, there are seven stages of enduring the rants of a crazy motherfucker, and Ellen gloriously illustrated each of them in exquisite detail.

1. The onset: As someone with extensive experience dealing with artists, drunks or volatile people, I have a keen awareness of the exact second a regular person starts transforming into a crazy motherfucker and apparently, so does Ellen. If Bruce Banner were my homeboy, I would be able to pinpoint the moment he began turning into the Hulk, because there is only one thought that runs through your head when the crazy motherfucker reaches that point:

“Oh shit, I think this motherfucker is about to go off … ”

At that moment it washes over you. It is not fear or trepidation. It’s the same feeling you get when you go into the grocery store and buy groceries for the month, and you check out, walk to the door and … it’s pouring down big goblets of rain. You think, “OK. I guess I gotta do an unexpected grocery buggy sprint, today. I wasn’t planning on it, but …” That feeling is called “Wellfuckitthen.” That’s what Ellen felt. You can see it in her eyes, and if you turn up the volume loud enough, you can even hear her sigh “Well … fuck it then.”

2. Try to reverse course: If you could calm your friend down, maybe they won’t go off. Everyone tries it, but it never works, because crazy motherfuckers can’t calm down, only regular motherfuckers do. If you walk past any bar where white people go drinking (because drinking is a pastime for young white people. Young Black people go to clubs to dance, to concerts for music or to spoken word venues, while all the white bands, bars and activities are just background noise for drinking.) you will be sure to find two white guys holding back their red-faced friend and pleading with him to “maintain, dude! Dude, maintain!’

The dude will not maintain. No crazy motherfucker ever maintains. Trying to calm a crazy motherfucker down just adds fuel to the fire. Ellen tries to calm ‘Ye down, but he doesn’t pay her no nevermind. There are two thing crazy motherfuckers are always without:

1. They have no chill.

2. They never “pay no nevermind.”

3. The “Aight”: There will come a point when you realize that you can’t stop this crazy motherfucker from going off, so you just decide to let this volcano explode. All crazy motherfuckers, whether drunk or high, just want someone to listen to their insane logic, so you decide to appease them. This is where experience comes in. You must understand that all your efforts to quiet, calm down or mute a crazy person will eventually fail. The key to enduring a C.M. episode is to get it over as quickly as possible. One of my infallible techniques when dealing with a crazy motherfucker is to ask them a question or give them a prompt that lets them get all their crazy out of their system, like “Tell me why you are so mad,” or “I bet you can’t do the running man, full speed for four minutes straight.” Let them get that shit out. That’s what Ellen does here. She becomes content with the fact that Yeezy is past the point of no return. Her eyes just say, “Oh, he’s crazy…

“Aight. Let’s do this.”

4. Surf it: When a crazy motherfucker goes full crazy motherfucker on you, you might as well just ride it out. Sit back and enjoy it. I’ll even throw in some “hell yeah’s” and ask followup questions for good measure and for self-entertainment. When your friend Emily starts cussing out the whole group while crying because “y’all don’t love her like she loves y’all” and starts explaining how she is a good person with a good heart, and sure, she gets drunk sometimes, but the Bible says …

Oh yeah, a crazy motherfucker will always quote scripture. That’s one of the telltale signs of a C.M. episode. When they do, just to amuse myself, I’ll wait about five minutes and quietly ask them, “What was that bible verse, again? I want to write it down.” I know, I’m an asshole, but I have to keep myself entertained.

5. Stand back and watch it happen: There are three rules to make it through a C.M. moment and end up alive and entertained:

1. Don’t interrupt – If you have ever had a friend who smoked anything — weed, crack, meth, Newports, etc. — you know not to disturb them. Not only will they get frustrated, but they will lose their train of thought, which means they will have to start over or switch to a new subject. If you don’t want the episode to last hours, sit down and shut up.

2. Stand back – I don’t care how much you trust the crazy motherfucker, don’t physically get close to them during a C.M. moment, or you risk losing an eye or a tooth. A crazy motherfucker can’t sit still and is liable to slap the shit out of you — not in aggression — but while reenacting a fight, showing you how birds fly or clapping to the song playing in their head.

3. Endure the pauses – There will be a point when the crazy motherfucker seems done. They are not. They are just catching their breath or pausing for dramatic effect. They have a lot more shit on their mind and a drunk, high or insane person has no awareness of awkward pauses.

6. The End: Don’t worry, you’ll know when it is over because they will tell you when they are finished by saying “that’s all I have to say about that, bitches.” The last sentence will end with either “bitches” or “motherfucker.” Then they will apologize. They always apologize. The drunk girl who just told her boyfriend his penis is too small in the middle of the house party will say “I’m sorry, but you needed to know.” Your ex who ate the pot brownie and went on an 11 minute, snotty-nosed, tearful rant about how you two should still be together will apologize by ending it with “I’m sorry, but I had to let you know.” Crazy motherfuckers have to let you know.

7. The repercussions: The next day, the crazy motherfucker will call you and beg forgiveness. They will only halfway remember what happened — even if they were sober. Do not recount the story to them. Tell them it’s OK, and ask when is the next time you and the crew are going out.

Everyone should have one crazy motherfucker in their circle. It makes life more interesting. Plus, there will come a time when you need a friend to have your back in a fight, to ride with you to the projects to meet this fine girl you met at the mall or to help bury a body. You’ll always be able to ask that crazy motherfucker. He owes you.

Plus, that’s what crazy motherfuckers are for.