Throwback Thursday: 20 Ways America Is F*cked

Nearly a decade ago, we predicted how America would look under Trump presidency. How'd we do?

(Envato)

This article was originally published on Jan. 14, 2017.

Because of our eternal optimism, we Black people have kept our fingers crossed and whispered “maybe it won’t be so bad” among ourselves since Nov. 8. Now that our cheddar-covered, misogynist, dim-witted overlord is only days away from installing gold-plated toilets in the Oval Office, we have accepted that it will probably be that bad—if not worse. As the new millennium Darth Vader’s stormtroopers parade in front of the Senate for their confirmation hearings while his Cabinet picks out wallpaper, we are slowly coming to grips with one unavoidably frightening realization:

We’re all fucked now.

Instead of general, nail-biting proclamations, we decided to catalog 20 reasons to worry about Donald Trump’s upcoming reign:

1. You’re going to have to learn another language.

I don’t want to come off as a xenophobe, but every time I hear someone speak Russian, I have to clear my throat. It just sounds like there’s a lot of back-of-the-throat phlegm involved. Plus, “Slavic language” has the word “slave” right there in the name! Does this mean I’m going to have to learn to text with backward K’s and upside-down 3s? Look, just because wypipo wanted Vladimir Putin’s puppet as their leader doesn’t mean I should have to learn a whole new alphabet.

2. You’re going to need to find some health care

Republicans will probably repeal Obamacare. They like the ability to carry their kids on their insurance until they’re 26. They love the fact that they can’t be turned away for pre-existing conditions. They appreciate having their insurance cover mental health and addiction counseling. They like preventative care for women. In fact, they like everything about Obamacare except the “Obama” part.

You know why.

3. You’re going to throw up in your mouth.

Sooner or later, some diligent reporter is going to find and release the pictures of Trump’s Russian orgy, complete with the “golden shower” he reportedly paid Soviet prostitutes to perform. I know you say you don’t want to see it, but trust me—you’re going to click on the link anyway.

Now you know how Trump’s penis looks.

4. Gas prices are going to rise.

Trump is antagonistic toward Muslims. He has threatened to bomb every Middle Eastern country except Israel. The person who will be in charge of all foreign policy in the United States is the head of the largest oil company in the world. You better run out right now and buy a bike.

5. Black lives won’t matter.

Jeff Sessions, the future head of federal law enforcement, called the NAACP “un-American” and once reportedly told a Black attorney to “be careful how you talk to white folks.” He has also said that he thought the Ku Klux Klan was OK until he learned they smoked pot.

Speaking of pot…

Even if your state legalized pot, you could still go to jail. Because it is still against federal law. Because conservatives hate it. Because Jeff Sessions.

6. Racists will be empowered.

Steve Bannon, the man who called his company “the voice of the alt-right,” who brought white supremacy out of the shadows and into the forefront of the conservative movement, will serve as Donald Trump’s “chief of strategy.”

Racism is a strategy now.

7. The sea levels will rise.

Not because of global warming (we’ll get to that). You should get your boating license so you won’t have to wade through the ocean of white tears from wypipo constantly trying to convince you they didn’t vote for Trump. I simply assume all Caucasians cast a ballot for him. I know that seems wrong, but trust me, the ones who didn’t will let you know within .001 milliseconds of meeting you.

Don’t believe them.

8. You might not be able to vote next time.

Trump will get to nominate at least one Supreme Court justice and will inherit a federal judiciary with the most vacancies in history at a time when voting statutes are up for review all over the country. I’m not saying you won’t be able to vote. I’m just saying you might need ID, a registration card, your mother’s maiden name, a DNA test, a urine sample and your Council of White Citizens membership card.

9. You need to watch what you say.

Between new National Security Council communications chief Monica Crowley (who has been accused of plagiarizing almost everything she ever wrote, said or even thought about) and Melania Trump, they will steal the words right out of your mouth.

10. You need to watch where you pray.

After he walked into a Black church and killed nine people, Dylann Roof was found guilty of 33 counts of federal hate crimes. Obama repeatedly used federal hate crime legislation to investigate police brutality. Jeff Sessions is against hate crime laws.

11. The zombie apocalypse will be here soon.

Between Trump’s dismantling of Obamacare and reported interest in putting anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in charge of a commission on vaccines, the Ebola virus will soon meet up with the Zika virus at the annual family reunion and start the reign of the undead. Before then, a lot of children will probably die from easily preventable diseases, but don’t worry—you probably will, too.

12. Everyone is going to laugh at you.

There was a time when the American president was the rational voice of the free world and the most respected leader on the planet. Even if you didn’t agree with his policies, you weren’t ashamed of him. If you’re wondering why everyone is giggling at you on your next trip abroad, it is because they know you elected a Twitter troll for president.

Speaking of Twitter …

13. Petty is going to be strong.

Trump can’t control himself from snapping back at anyone he feels may have slighted him, so expect the American democracy to devolve into congressional Twitter beefs and Supreme Court justices posting their dissenting arguments in the comments section on Facebook.

14. Trump will have control of your body.

After they defund Planned Parenthood, have the right-wing Supreme Court revisit Roe v. Wade, outlaw abortion and stop your insurance from paying for birth control and preventive care, don’t worry; you probably won’t care that much about your body anyway. The men got this.

15. World War III is going to be lit.

And by “lit,” I mean with the radiation from nuclear fallout. Trump’s microfingers are on the trigger of the American nuclear arsenal. Yes, that should give you the bubble guts.

16. No one will know anything.

Have you ever been at a business and wondered how the person got the job? It will be like that everywhere now. No one needs to be qualified to work in the Trump administration. The proposed head of the Environmental Protection Agency doesn’t believe in climate change. Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry, the pick to lead the Department of Energy, once said that the department was unnecessary. National Security Adviser Michael Flynn—in charge of keeping secrets and distinguishing real intelligence from fake—spreads fake news and was prosecuted for giving away military secrets.

17. I hope you can swim.

Because neither Trump nor his proposed cabinet believes in global warming, despite the overwhelming scientific evidence. But at least you have that white-tears boat we talked about earlier.

18. Bullying is back

Bad-ass kids can say, “Why is it so bad to tell a lie or make fun of disabled people or cheat or disregard the rules or bully people?” And you will want to tell them because it will make them a bad person who will get nowhere in life. But they will know you are a liar, because—Trump.

19. Women won’t be in the workplace.

Unless they sign the form that consents to pussy-grabbing and give up maternal leave and equal pay, after the Republican legislature—which notoriously hates anti-discrimination laws—deems it OK and the Trump judiciary seconds it.

20. You’ll be fine…

If you’re a straight white man.

Maybe you aren’t one of the people he called rapists and criminals. You might not be one of the people he said were uneducated and out of work and will shoot you in the face. Perhaps you don’t care if someone chooses which bathroom you can use, or if you can marry the love of your life. Maybe you don’t need affirmative action to level your playing field or care if the police kill your son or daughter.

So, maybe you’ll be OK.

But the rest of us are fucked.