The Reports of MAGA Abandoning Trump Are Greatly Exaggerated
The narrative that Trumpworld is beginning to sour on the president is the real "fake news."
I knew I was wrong.
When I saw the look on my mother’s face, I immediately concealed the cigarette lighter I was holding, bolted out of the kitchen and waited for my cousin to join me in my bedroom. My cousin Tyran was a year younger and had never been knocked into next week; he couldn’t have predicted the danger he was in. Finally realizing that an 8-year-old has no rights his infuriated mom was bound to respect, Tyran stopped pleading his case and eventually joined me in my pretrial detention chambers.
My cousin and I had found the rusted, empty Zippo cigar lighter a few hours earlier on our way home from school. As soon as we got home, we went to the barn, refilled the lighter with gasoline from our trusty lawnmower and tried to strike it. When that didn’t work, I suggested we jump-start it by taking the now-refueled lighter into the kitchen and striking the flint while holding it over our gas stove. When our mothers walked through the door, I was standing on a dining room chair, perched over the stove next to Tyran, who was still holding the gas can.
Sitting in my bedroom, we began discussing our legal defense. As a veteran of the Harriot criminal justice system, I tried to explain why a plea deal was off the table. We were caught red-handed by two eyewitnesses—our mothers. While I thought we could beat the charges by boysplaining our science experiment, Tyran believed our only option was to plead guilty. So, standing before our two-person jury, we gave a full confession of our crimes and threw ourselves at the mercy of the court.
“I broke the rules,” Tyran declared to our two-person jury. “I’m not supposed to cook when you’re not home.”
“I know a chair is not a stepladder.” I chimed in. “And you told me to stay in the house until you and Aunt Phyllis came back from the grocery store, so I’m sorry I went outside to get the gas can. That was wrong.”
After reprimanding us for somewhere between 20 minutes and 20 hours, the Harriot Supreme Court justice sisters sentenced us to two weeks of solitary confinement, a month without television privileges and one year of community service (having everyone in the community call us “The Firestarters”). Realizing that there would be flying cars before our parole hearing, we returned to my room and searched for the bright side.
“OK, maybe my plan didn’t work,” said Tyran, breaking our stunned silence. “And what is an ‘aspiring arsonist’?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. “Anyway…Since we can’t use the stove, we can get some matches for next time.”
“And maybe charcoal lighter fluid instead of gas,” my cousin concurred.
“At least we learned from our mistakes,” I added, flicking the flint of our soon-to-be-refurbished firestarter.
An Arsonist’s Apology
Tucker Carlson is sorry.
On Monday, the former Fox News host admitted his role in helping Donald Trump set American democracy on fire.
“It’s not enough to say ‘I changed my mind’ or ‘this is bad'; I’m out,’” Carlson said during a conversation with his even whiter-named brother, Buckley. “I want to say I’m sorry for misleading people. It was not intentional. But anyway…”
To be clear, Carlson is apologizing for helping Donald Trump get elected—not for serving as an accelerant for the white supremacist “great replacement theory.” According to The New York Times, “no public figure has promoted replacement theory more loudly or relentlessly than the Fox host Tucker Carlson.” Apparently, the cross-burning connoisseur has no regrets about that. Carlson is also not sorry for saying white people weren’t “designed” to live around immigrants. He doesn’t feel guilty about giving oxygen to white nationalist flamethrower Nick Fuentes, who proudly describes himself as “a racist.” And while Tucker privately dismissed claims that the 2020 election was stolen, he hasn’t apologized for publicly endorsing the lie. But anyway…
