Sorry, But Martin Luther King Jr. Didn't Believe in 'Peaceful Protests'
In America, the idea of peace and protests are as believable as liberty and justice for all.
I believe in the boogeyman.
To reveal the identity of the evil figure that had terrorized me during my childhood, at 7 years old, I began studying the investigative strategies of some of the world’s finest criminologists, including the Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew and — perhaps the most skilled juvenile detective of all — Encyclopedia Brown. While I didn’t quite have enough proof to file formal charges, all the circumstantial evidence pointed in one direction:
Santa Claus.
According to my sources, Kristopher K. Kringle was a prime suspect in a rash of break-ins with the same modus operandi as the mysterious monster who lurked under beds and in bedroom closets. While most people are bamboozled by Kringle’s bearded rose-colored cheeks, twinkling eyes and his philanthropy, no one ever mentions how he sprinkles pepper in the eyes of kids who stay up past their bedtime. Yet, for some reason, none of the elves he enslaved could provide him with an alibi for 364 nights out of the year. The “nice” kids might benefit from him making his infamous list and checking it twice, but why punish the young, naughty kids? For YNs like me — a night owl with sensitive eyes and a slightly rebellious streak — there was no difference between this obese, bearded night burglar and the boogeyman.
To be fair, while I may have struggled with being good for goodness’ sake, Scary Old St. Nick’s spitefulness paled in comparison to my other candidate for boogeyman — Jesus H. Christ.
When I was young, I was terrified of Joseph’s stepson. Not only did you have to die to know if you qualified to receive his gift, but the consequence for making Jesus’ naughty list was literal hell. I didn’t plan on murdering anyone or committing adultery (a sin I mistakenly assumed was equivalent to “acting grown”), but I had coveted my neighbor’s Big Wheel a few times. And, depending on his mood, Mr. Christ might murder me for talking back to my mama! Unlike Santa’s elves, he even threatened to send his employees to do his dirty work:
The Son of Man will send his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all causes of sin and all law-breakers, and throw them into the fiery furnace. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Jesus and Santa Claus are examples of how anything can be a tool of coercion in the wrong hands. An intentionally manipulative messenger can transform a jolly gift-giver into a vengeful ogre as easily as a bible-thumping preacher can turn a sermon about understanding love into instructions on who they should hate. While I’m sure Jesus and Santa Claus existed, you could never convince me to believe in the boogeyman, savior and saint who endured weeping, gnashing of teeth and even pepper in his eyes for simply being woke.
Who is this “Martin Luther King” I’ve heard white people talking about?
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