G.O.A.T Tournament Round 2: White Clout

Here's a look at the racism resumes of the Influencers Division.

Welcome back to our quest to find the Greatest Oppressor of All Time.

We’ve reached the second leg of our single-elimination tournament. On Tuesday, we focused on the men and women who used their political power to become Hall of Fame racists. But as we know, serving as an agent of the government is not the only way to reach the top rung on the ladder of white supremacy. Today, we focus on the people who pulled themselves up by the bootstraps using nothing but bigotry and privilege.

If you’re new to the tournament, here’s how this works: Each round, we’ll focus on one division. Readers will have three days to vote on each matchup, and the winner will move on to the next round. At the end of the competition, we will crown the G.O.A.T. of white supremacy (You can see the whole bracket with updated scores here. Remember, voting is only open to paid subscribers to ContrabandCamp.)

Here are the racism resumés for the second-round matchups in the Influencers Division.

Jerry Falwell Racism Resume

• Goal:

  • A country that believes in conservative Christian principles — except for “all men are created equal” or all that “love that neighbor” bullshit Jesus and the founders ranted about.

• Education:

  • Graduated from an all-white school in Lynchburg.

  • Attended an all-white Christian College to woo his wife away from her fiancée.

  • Opened one of the earliest segregation academies.

• Experience: Falwell’s racism predates the modern-day Civil Rights Movement.

  • At 22 years old, opened an all-white fundamentalist church.

  • Went “viral” by welcoming Klansmen and segregationists to his “Old Time Gospel Hour” program to spread the gospel of hate.

  • Condemned the Brown v. Board of Education decision by saying: “When God has drawn a line of distinction, we should not attempt to cross that line.”

  • Didn’t just support segregation in America; he supported apartheid in South Africa.

  • Manufactured the “moral majority’s” political stance on abortion.

  • Fought hate crime legislation.

• Skills:

  • Falwell’s bigotry wasn’t just limited to anti-Blackness; he opposed equal rights for homosexuals, women and even Teletubbies.

  • He was a Zionist who hated Jews and an Islamophobe who believed that God used Muslims on 9/11 because Jesus was mad about abortions, feminists and gays.

• References:

  • Alabama Gov. George Wallace

  • South African President P.W. Botha

  • Satan

Pat Buchanan’s racism resumé:

• Goal

  • A really, really, conservative America. “Conservative is pronounced “hoo-why-itt.”

• Education

  • Attended high school with student who became school’s first Black graduate.

  • Extracurricular activities include Sons of Confederate Veterans and other neo-Confederate organizations.

• Experience

  • Helped craft the Southern Strategy that flipped the electoral map.

  • Advised Nixon to ignore Coretta Scott King after MLK’s death.

  • Started the “culture wars.”

  • Organized Senate opposition to the Civil Rights Act.

  • Called for public hanging and horsewhipping of Exonerated Five

  • “Welfare queens” is his, too.

  • Tried to prevent DOJ from prosecuting at least six Nazis.

  • Denied the Holocaust.

  • Wrote for white nationalist news site VDARE.

• Skills

  • Anti-semitism, anti-Blackness, anti-immigrant

  • Pro-Nazi, pro-Holocaust, pro-lynching

• References:

  • Richard Nixon

  • Strom Thurmond

  • Hitler

Christopher Rufo’s Racism Resume

• Goal:

  • White mediocrity supremacy

• Education:

  • Not much

  • Harvard (Not that one. The Harvard School of Air Conditioning Repair)

• Experience:

  • The Heritage Foundation (pre-Project 2025)

  • Worked for a think tank that opposes the theory of evolution.

  • Sued the city of Seattle for taxing people over $200,000 per year while making less than $50,000.

  • Lost bid for city council.

  • No education training.

  • Responsible for attacks on critical race theory, diversity equity and inclusion, intersectionality and “wokeness.”

  • No education experience.

  • Appointed to serve on New College of Florida’s Board of Trustees by Governor Ron DeSantis.

  • Never studied education.

  • Attacked Dr. Claudine Gay’s tenure at Harvard.

  • No educational expertise whatsoever.

• Skills:

  • Scamming dumb white people.

  • Hating Black people.

• References:

  • Ron DeSantis

  • Donald Trump

  • Dr. Seuss

Peter Thiel’s Racism Resumé

• Goal:

  • World domination

• Education:

  • Apartheid West South Africa

  • Apartheid Cleveland, Ohio

  • Apartheid San Mateo County, Calif.

• Experience:

  • Born to immigrant parents who relocated to different countries for work.

  • His parents are white, so they’re not migrant workers.

  • Started the conservative Stanford Review while in college to combat Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow Coalition and the “multicultural agenda”

  • Co-authoredThe Diversity Myth bashing multiculturalism, homosexuals and immigrants before being outed as a multicultural homosexual immigrant.

  • Bankrolled Hulk Hogan lawsuit against journalists after the Hulkamaniac ran wild with the n-word on a sex tape.

  • Popularized the newgenics era of race science as a form of “free speech.”

  • Founded Palantir Industries to help police spy on Black activists and Black communities.

  • Thinks democracy is overrated.

  • Settled $1.7 million lawsuit for Palantir’s racial discrimination.

• Skills:

  • Bankrupting billion-dollar hedge funds.

  • Coming up with Evil names (Palantir, BlackRock, Valar Ventures, Mithril Capital).

  • Implanting microchips in brains.

  • Slowly fulfilling his dream to become CEO of the world.

• References:

  • Ann Coulter

  • Elon Musk

  • Lex Luthor

Roger Ailes’ Racism Resumé

• Goal:

  • King of Lies

• Education:

  • Studied Richard Nixon

  • And Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbles (no, really)

• Experience:

  • Worked with “nigger, nigger nigger” pioneer Lee Atwater.

  • Created most racist campaign ad in history.

  • Came up with the idea for bringing crack into the White House.

  • And “radical islamic terrorism.”

  • And making “Sharia Law” a thing.

  • And “birtherism.”

  • Hired Tucker Carlson, Megyn Kelly, Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity.

• Skills:

  • Sexual harassment

  • Recruiting racists

  • Election denying

  • Entertaining white people

• References:

  • Donald Trump

  • Tucker Carlson

  • White people

Koch Brothers’ Racism Resume

• Goal:

  • Money

• Education:

  • Raised by billionaire father Fred Koch, an early member of the John Birch Society

  • Capitalism

• Experience:

  • Despite being raised in one of the world’s richest families, they somehow became the world’s richest family

  • Allegedly made fortune “stealing oil” from Native American reservations and national forests

  • Funded anti-CRT movement

  • Poured “untold sums of cash” into the American Legislative Exchange Council, the organization that literally wrote anti-immigrant, anti-trans and anti-CRT legislation.

  • Created an educational foundation to whitewash Black history.

  • Donated nearly a billion dollars to elect Donald Trump.

  • Taught students to oppose Brown v. Board of Education … In 2019.

• Skills:

  • Lying

  • Stealing

  • Being rich

• References:

  • Dead presidents

  • The Benjamins, of whom they are all about

  • $67.5 billion

Nathan Bedford Forrest’s Racism Resume

• Goal:

  • “To maintain forever the God-given supremacy of the white race.”

• Education:

  • None

• Experience:

  • Murdered two men in cold blood at age 23.

  • Owned a network of slave-trading franchises, “nigger markets”

  • Bragged about selling the daughter of “free nigger abolitionist” Frederick Douglass

  • Slaughtered 300 Black Union soldiers after they surrendered

  • Founded Ku Klux Klan

  • All KKK Leaders are named after Forrest. The title “grand wizard” is a reference to his nickname: “The Wizard of the Saddle.”

  • Created strategy to attack Black voters.

  • Fought hate crime legislation.

  • Over 5,000 members of his organization were charged with racial terrorism during his lifetime.

• Skills:

  • Killing Black people

  • Slaughtering Black people

  • Apparently, he was good at riding horses

  • Lynching Black people

• References:

  • Alabama Governor George Wallace

  • South African President P.W. Botha

  • Satan

Charles Murray’s Racism Resume

• Goal:

  • A kinder, gentler eugenics

• Education:

  • Newton, Iowa, one of the whitest places on earth.

  • White thugs

• Experience:

  • Worked for social science firm American Institutes for Research on aptitude testing

  • Worked for Manhattan Institute, which funded the anti-CRT movement

  • Wrote the book that influenced the “welfare-is-stealing-our-money” debate

  • Wrote The Bell Curve, the book that revived the eugenics movement.

  • Promoted theory that sub-Saharan Africans have lowest IQ

  • Did not actually test sub-Saharan Africans’ IQs

  • He argues that the problem with the white race is that they are becoming more like other minorities.

  • Wants to sterilize poor people.

• Skills:

  • Race science

  • Making shit up

  • Sounding smart

• References:

  • Racists

  • Eugenicists

  • Everybody on this list

Choose wisely.