For Trump Voters Who Say 'We Didn't Vote For This' When MAGA Is Not Enough
To all the Joe Rogan, Marjorie Taylor Greene and MAGA supporters who claim "this is not what I voted for," stop lying.
“Play stupid games; win stupid prizes.”
— Ancient African-American adage
Long before Jake Paul’s jaw found out about the dangers of fucking around from Anthony Joshua’s fist, back when Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera were still dreaming of becoming famous jackasses, I briefly joined the movement pioneered by one of America’s most famous practitioners of “white people shit.”
I blame Robert Craig Knievel.
I don’t even know how or why kids who grew up in the ‘80s loved Evel Knievel (you gotta say the whole name, like “NBA Youngboy” or “Kevonstage”). But on Oct. 7, 1980, my father walked into my house with what still ranks as the greatest birthday gift I have ever received—a canary-yellow AMF Roadmaster BMX. Or, as it was known by my envious peers:
I handed my mom the $20 bill encased in the birthday card, knowing she would force me to spend it on something unspectacular, like tithes and/or offerings. Jesus deserved it for answering my second most important prayer (Apparently, the Cowboys winning the Super Bowl was too difficult a task for the messiah). As my mom prepared to hide my birthday money in the most secure spot in our home (her bra), I asked if she could park on the street when she returned from the hardware store.
“Why do I need to move the car?” she asked. “It’s a dirtbike. We live on a dirt road. And what do you need from the hardware store?”
“A few two-by-fours and some wood screws,” I explained. “I’m gonna build an Evel Knievel ramp. A twenty should cover it.”
“Twenty dollars won’t cover a hospital bill,” she said, while stuffing my ramp material money into her safe deposit bra. “Go ride your new bike. You and Eva Kah-whatever-her-name-is can break one of your legs tomorrow.”
Undaunted by my mom’s lack of confidence in her son’s ability to stunt on these hoes, I continued my quest for the Knievel crown. But she didn’t complain about having to park on the street when she came home from work the next day and found every kid in the neighborhood gathered around a rickety ramp in her driveway. Instead, she elbowed her way past the spectators, bent down by my side and whispered a cryptic message into the ears of the next Eva Kah-whatever-her-name-is. Then she sauntered nonchalantly into the house as her son sped up the ramp and soared toward the sky.
It did not go well. The last thing I remember was my permanently disfigured bike landing on top of my crumpled body. Maybe my life was too short to flash before my eyes, but I still remember my last thought as I moved slowly toward the light.
“If I’m not dead, mama’s gonna kill me.”
Instead of re-murdering me, my mom drove to the emergency room in complete silence. She didn’t utter a word when the doctor explained that a grade-two shoulder separation takes two to three months to heal. I howled when he yanked my shoulder into place; my mother silently read the hospital’s 18-year-old copy of Reader's Digest. She didn’t even raise her voice on the way home (To be fair, the doctor said loud noises would make my concussion worse). For the next three months, whenever someone at church or in the grocery store asked her why my shoulder was in a sling, she would just nod in my direction and say: “Ask him.”
And each time, the great Eva Kah-whatever-her-name-is would reply:
“I won a stupid prize.”
Former Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is tired of fucking around.
After years of serving in the Church of Donald Trump and MAGA Saints, the recently excommunicated QAnon Queen has suddenly found a new religion. On Sunday, Greene condemned Trump’s expletive-laden Easter Truth Social post that praised Allah and threatened to commit war crimes.
“Everyone in his administration that claims to be a Christian needs to fall on their knees and beg forgiveness from God and stop worshipping the President and intervene in Trump’s madness,” wrote the former MAGA MVP. “This [sic] NOT what we promised the American people when they overwhelmingly voted in 2024, I know, I was there more than most.”
While Greene was right to claim she was “there more than most,” when she touts her lord and savior’s commands to “love…and forgive one another, even our enemies,” she apparently forgot when she made a campaign poster of herself wielding an AR-15 at the Black and brown members of The Squad. Has she forgiven the “BLM/Antifa Terrorists” who “fanned the flames of hate” yet?
Why is she so concerned about Trump’s threat to “kill innocent people and children”? She literally stalked Parkland school shooting survivor David Hogg when he was trying to lobby for gun-control legislation. If we should condemn Trump’s “nuclear lies,” how should we feel about her blaming the California wildfires on Jewish space lasers? Why would a self-proclaimed Christian nationalist be upset that the president is acting like a Christian nationalist?
Greene doubled down on Wednesday during an interview with fellow conspiracy theorist Alex Jones. After revealing that it’s time to “burn the Republican Party to the ground,” she explained why Trump “is not the same man that we supported.”
She’s right. This upgraded, more efficient version of the MAGA operating system is demonstrably worse. However, Greene and her ilk helped create it by overlooking Trump’s lies, excusing his racist rhetoric and promoting his conspiracy theories. As one of his biggest supporters in Congress, Greene led the effort to silence his GOP critics and marginalize any party member who dared to oppose her dear leader. “The party is his,” Greene said in 2021. “It doesn’t belong to anybody else.”
Unfortunately, the Wicked Witch of Regret is not the only member of the MAGA cinematic universe rethinking the stupid prize they won for participating in Trump’s stupid games. Nearly three years after losing his job for promoting Trump’s election conspiracy theories, former Fox News host and great replacement theorist Tucker Carlson now thinks Trump might be the Antichrist. Tucker’s former colleague (at Fox News and probably at Klan meetings), Megyn Kelly, is also reconsidering her pro-MAGA position.
Less than a year after explaining how she “fell in love” with Trump, Kelly’s opinion of Trump has changed as drastically as her face. “I don’t know about you, but I am sick of this shit,” the noted cunthropologist said on Tuesday’s episode of her show. “I’m sick of it. Can’t he just behave like a normal human?”
Wait…she wanted a president who behaved like a normal person?
I thought the whole point of voting for Trump was that he was not like a normal president. Didn’t they champion his lack of political experience or expertise because they wanted a businessman who said and did whatever he wanted? Now that he’s tweeting like Lil B The BasedGod and fighting wars on behalf of billionaire investors, you can’t re-re-consider your vote. It doesn’t work like that.
To be fair, Kelly, Greene and Carlson built their careers on serving up white fragility to their racemates. But America’s whiny crybabies are not the only ones joining the “we didn’t vote for this” movement. Even Joe Rogan, the undisputed king of the manosphere, took some time away from practicing the n-word to serve up his own white tears.
“It just doesn’t make any sense to me, unless we’re acting on someone else’s interests—like, particularly Israel’s interests,” Rogan whined after literally giving Trump one of the biggest audiences in the history of podcasting. “This is why a lot of people feel betrayed, right? He ran on ‘No more wars, end these stupid, senseless wars,’ and then we have one that we can't even really clearly define why we did it.”
After Trump, Andrew Schulz might be white America’s second-best source for unfunny jokes at the expense of Black women. But after lending his platform to his fellow fuckboy during the 2024 election, Schulz has also expressed regret for helping Trump get elected.
He’s lying.
Whether it is his show with Charlamagne Tha God or the sniggling and giggling co-hosts of his own podcast, Schulz has positioned himself as a not-so-brilliant idiot who is physically and figuratively adjacent to Black culture. Somehow, he is familiar with every rap beef, meme and debate on Black Twitter, but somehow didn’t see our predictions of what would happen during a second Trump presidency. To be fair, Schulz might just think we’re stupid enough to believe he was bamboozled into voting for Trump because of his concern for immigration, not because he is the same kind of slick-mouthed white boy that Ryan Clark, Marc Lamont Hill, Van Lathan and scores of Black women accuse Trump and Schulz of being.
No one wants to pay $17 for a gallon of gas. I haven’t checked the data, but I’d bet the number of pro-genocide voters is very small. And, despite the GOP’s propaganda about open borders, DEI and the “trans agenda,” most Americans—not just Democrats—want a sensible immigration policy, access to opportunity and equality for their fellow countrymen. While opinions may differ on policies, approaches and individual candidates, most people vote for the person they think will best achieve the outcome they most desire.
And anyone who voted for Trump, expecting a peaceful, Christian who used diplomacy abroad and restraint at home, is a liar.
Or maybe they’re stupid.
If you wanted the Epstein files released and you voted for the man who Jeffrey Epstein called his “best friend,” who also boasted that he grabs women by the pussy and was literally found liable for rape, you might also have a concussion.
There’s nothing wrong with your vote for a draft dodger who insulted a literal war hero, referred to deceased service members as “losers” and “suckers” and threatened North Korea’s unstable regime with “fire and fury” less than a year into his first term as president. But when Trump pulled out of an agreement specifically created to prevent a war with Iran during his first term, most experts warned that military force was the only non-diplomatic alternative to reining in a country where "Death to America" is a national call-and-response. He did it anyway. You elected him again.
When you voted for a man who demonized “shithole countries,” dissed our allies, cozied up to Netanyahu and threatened to invade sovereign countries that weren’t fucking with us, what did you think would happen?
What did so-called “Christians” think they were getting when they elected a president who slept with a porn star and said his favorite Bible verse was “Two Corinthians”? You don’t get to be upset when ICE agents shoot people in the face if you voted for someone who said this:
"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters, OK?"
Yes, you voted for this.
It turns out, I was a lot like Evel Knievel.
Like me, Evel was very successful at getting people to watch him jump over things. But when it came to landing successfully, we both often fell short.
In 1975, 52% of Americans watching television tuned in to see Evel Knievel almost jump over 14 buses. Not only did Elvis and the pope fail to show up to watch the daredevil jump the Snake River Canyon, he didn’t even make it across. He broke his vertebrae in front of 100,000 people at Wembley Stadium in England. He crushed his ribs, hips and pelvis during the failed jump at Caesar’s Palace. And we both failed at our final stunt.
To be fair, I was too young to remember Evel Knievel’s most famous jumps. I only knew the legend of Evel Knievel, so I stupidly assumed his bike could help me defy gravity. And because Trump voters and 8-year-olds ignored the warnings of a smart person, we got exactly what 92% of Black women told us to expect (my mom is 92% Black, 8% African-American).
Even a third-grader wouldn’t be shocked by a measles outbreak if they helped re-elect a man who exacerbated the worst pandemic in American history. A child would’ve probably saved their birthday money in anticipation of higher prices after voting for an isolationist who promised to raise tariffs. If you raised a kid in a Christian family or just taught them the literal words that came out of Jesus’ mouth, they wouldn’t vote for a lying, thieving, racist adulterer who hates his neighbors to the North and South.
Donald Trump has not done a single thing that even a concussed child couldn’t predict. Even if you didn’t believe what we said, you could’ve just watched what he actually did during his first presidency. When he ran for the third time, a smart person would have simply listened to the words that came out of his mouth during the first two campaigns.
But not you.
You voted for this white people shit. You wanted a foul-mouthed, vindictive, incompetent con artist to become the most powerful man in the world. You gave him your vote and your support. And now, you’re getting exactly what you voted for.
So quit lying. And please stop acting like you’re so shocked now that everything is crashing down on top of you, and you’re the one who’s hurt. Your righteous indignation is just an attempt to launder your complicity with authoritarianism now that the things you voted for are unpopular. But don’t pretend like you didn’t willingly enable this fascist. You played this MAGA game…
Donald Trump is your stupid prize.
Sincerely,
Eva Kah-whatever-her-name-is
Fuck every last one of those fraudulent grifters! They'll be right back in line voting for Couch Fucker or whoever MAGA puts on the ticket in 2028.
I agree with every observation. I’m a 74 yr old white woman,&I think your mom is great.
Hiding contraband(found weed) in my underwear drawer is a very mom thing.