On Oct. 9, the blonde white lady who types up Donald Trump’s Truth Social account announced the name of the blonde white lady who would replace the other blonde white lady as the official White House spokesliar.
Five days later, the latest inductee into the KKK sorority is gone (Trump’s three most recent press secretaries were Katie Zacharia, Karoline Leavitt and Kayleigh McEnany; I’m sure it’s just a coincidence).
“President Trump’s new press secretary, Katie Zacharia, was fired Friday, after less than a week on the job,” the New York Times reports. “Ms. Zacharia had gotten off to a bumpy start with her first and final press briefing on Tuesday, in which she largely read off a script and ended questioning after just three queries. That was followed by an onslaught of headlines about whether she had misrepresented herself as a lawyer—the president called her ‘an attorney’— despite failing her bar exam.”
It turns out Zacharia is not a lawyer; she just plays one on TV.
But this is not the time to wonder why Fox News, conservative media and the president of the United States didn’t even bother to check this white lady’s credentials. Sure, they took this white lady's word that she was a “lawyer,” even though there was not a single person on the entire planet who had seen her law license, witnessed her practicing law or met one of her clients. It’s easy to laugh at the first white woman to be fired on her day off, but there is a larger issue at hand:
Why did Katie Zacharia lose her job?
It didn’t take anyone five days to realize that the newly hired, newly fired secretary of Karens seemed to struggle with reading, answering questions and even telling lies. After her first press conference and that brutal interview with Sean Hannity, we all probably bet that Floyd Mayweather could beat Zacharia in a spelling bee. Still, why should she resign just because she’s terrible at her job? That’s the whole point of MAGAffirmative Action!
I blame DEI.
Whether you believe in the actual definitions of diversity, equity and inclusion or the conservative mythology that casts the concept as an unfair system that rewards unqualified people with opportunity because of their race, we know that white women are the biggest beneficiaries of DEI. I haven’t seen Zacharia’s 23 & Me test results, but according to multiple sources, she’s a white woman. Anyone familiar with the current administration understands that illiteracy, lack of know-how or pure incompetence doesn’t prevent the best and whitest people from rising to the top of Trumpworld. She’s a blond white lady who works for Trump!
This is the DEI administration!
Donald’s Extraordinary Idiots have never been concerned with diversity, equity or inclusion. But, since taking office, Trump has surrounded himself with Dimwits, Extremists and Imbeciles who lack Discipline, Education and Intelligence. For many Descendants of European Invaders, this Dearth of Ethics and Intellect is a form of self-preservation. After all, if you were as Dumb, Evil and Incompetent as these Desperate, Entitled Idiots, what else do you have?
Decency? Effort? Integrity?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So where does Zacharia rank among the Trump administration’s worst…
Hahahahaha. Decency! You’re funny! That was a good one! OK, I’m done keekee-ing.
Anyway, Zacharia’s brief stint as press secretary raises a larger question:
Who is the worst employee of the White House White Privilege Program?
To answer the question, we assembled a multiracial panel of fictional DEI beneficiaries, including: the Black “diversity” hire, the white genius who couldn’t go to college because of barely literate affirmative action candidate took his spot at Harvard, the illegal immigrant who’s taking all of the jobs, the owner of the Dog and Cat Cafe from Springfield, Ohio, a Sharia law prosecutor, a graduate of the George Soros Pilot Academy for Black Women and one of the Jews who control everything.
Together, they ranked the second Trump administration's most incompetent members based on the following five criteria:
Qualifications: How much education, expertise or real-world experience did they have before Trump gave them their position?
Job significance? How important was their job? For instance, putting an anti-vaxxer in charge of the CDC is worse than appointing an ambassador to Wypipostan with no diplomatic experience.
Why, tho? Did they get the job by donating a lot of money or did they bamboozle Trump into believing they were qualified?
Performance: How badly did they bungle the job compared to their predecessors?
WTFness: On a scale of Matt Gaetz as attorney general to Marco Rubio as secretary of state, how absurd was the appointment?
Here are the definitive rankings of Trump’s DEI hires.
20. Scott Turner: Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Although Scott Turner has no experience in housing or development, he is a Black Republican. And in a party that “doesn’t see race,” this technically makes him “urban.” Plus, Turner played professional football, and negroid athletes are Trump’s favorite genre of “the Blacks.”
Before serving as a Texas state representative, the speech communication major’s served as “Chief Inspiration Officer” at a software company for 16 years. As the sole person of urban descent in Trump’s cabinet, he now holds the same position Ben Carson had in Trump’s first administration.
These must be the Black jobs Trump told us about.
19. Kelly Loeffler: Administrator of Small Business Development Agency
Kelly Loeffler has never run or developed a small business, but Loeffler and her wealthy venture capitalist husband gave Trump’s campaign $5 million.
Plus, she’s a great scammer.
A few years after MAGA Barbie moved into “the most expensive private home purchase in the city’s history,” she somehow convinced tax appraisers to lower the price of the 15,000-square-foot mansion by $6 million. When she ran against Sen. Raphael Warnock in 2020, Loeffler swore that she didn’t “have a racist bone in her body” even though there are actual photos of her hanging out with an actual neo-Nazi Klan member who was also a card-carrying skinhead.
Apparently Loeffler’s friends are collecting the racism infinity rings.
18. Lindsey Halligan: Former Interim U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia
Remember when Trump illegally appointed a third-runner-up beauty pageant contestant with no federal prosecutorial experience who mysteriously found a trove of invisible “evidence” to indict New York Attorney General Letitia James and former FBI Director James Comey until a judge dismissed the charges because she didn’t actually have any evidence and she wasn’t actually a U.S. attorney?
Good times.
17. Harmeet Dhillon: Assistant Attorney General for Civil Rights
After Dhillon’s confirmation, the Women’s National Law Center called her “dangerously unqualified.” The NAACP Legal Defense Fund, the Alliance for Justice, the Leadership Conference on Civil and Human Rights, and a host of civil rights attorneys noted that Dhillon spent her entire career opposing civil rights.
They were right.
“Dhillon has largely upended the Civil Rights Division since her arrival last year by dismissing or declining to pursue the types of race-related discrimination cases that had historically been its focus,” CBS News reports. “Her division has launched investigations into diversity, equity and inclusion policies at universities, filed lawsuits to prohibit transgender athletes from playing on girls' and women's sports teams, and litigated against dozens of states in an effort to access unredacted copies of their voter registration lists.”
Maybe she just wants to help end the Office of Civil Rights’ weird obsession with civil rights.
17. Lee Zeldin: Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency
When Zeldin passed the bar exam, he was the youngest attorney in New York state. He was elected to the New York state legislature to protect his constituents. He also served in the military to protect his country. Unfortunately, there’s one thing Zeldin doesn’t care about protecting:
During his tenure on the House’s Bipartisan Climate Solutions Caucus, Zeldin earned a 14% lifetime score from the League of Conservation Voters.
To be fair, that’s a pretty good grade for a MAGA Republican.
16. Kash Patel: Director of the FBI
Kash Patel is a hard-working, dedicated government employee.
When he’s not too drunk to work.
Besides allegedly being a liar who doesn’t catch criminals, allegedly handing out bottles of whiskey and partying with white athletes, Kash Patel’s only weakness is “investigating.” What do you expect from a Q-Anon conspiracy theorist who made up his law enforcement experience? The only people who have a problem with Patel are his bosses, former FBI agents and current FBI employees.
Otherwise, he’s fine.
15. Sean Duffy: Secretary of Transportation
If you’re wondering why planes keep falling out of the sky, perhaps it's because Trump put a former lumberjack and reality TV star in charge of the Department of Transportation.
Notice I didn’t say “former reality star.” That’s because the man responsible for keeping planes from crashing is currently a reality TV star. Meanwhile, The Los Angeles Times said MAGA Paul Bunyan might be “the worst performer among Donald Trump’s appointees.” Maybe that’s all what Trump wants.
A “performer.”
14. Markwayne Mullin: Secretary of Homeland Security
Trump calls Markwayne Mullin a “MAGA Warrior, and former undefeated professional MMA fighter.”
In reality, he was a high school wrestler who competed for one year at a college with 2,000 students before fighting a couple of guys from across town at a casino when he was in his 30s
Otherwise, he was a plumber.
It’s possible that Trump selected Mullin to serve as the slave catcher in chief, because he heard Mullin talk about the “smell of war” during secret assignments in the Middle East. Unfortunately, senators, congressmen and the best reporters in America can’t find any record of Mullin’s war-zone heroics. It’s possible that Mullin promised Trump that he would “kick out all the illegal immigrants,” and Trump took the “kick” part literally. Who doesn’t like a good karate fight?
Nothing else makes sense.
13. Dan Bongino: Former Deputy Director of the FBI
Dan Bongino has dedicated his life to “owning the libs.”
The podcaster gained fame by convincing people he collected “secret information” during his time as a cop, a Secret Service agent and a failed politician. When Trump named him FBI deputy director, he finally had enough power to bring down the “deep state.”
I’m not saying Bongino was terrible at his job, but his so-called “proof” that corrupt Democrats were monitoring Republican lawmakers turned out to be baloney. He had access to the Epstein files and arrested zero people. Charlie Kirk was killed on his watch. Why would anyone expect a former police officer to find any wrongdoing in the most corrupt government in history? How could Bongino know that someone was planning an attack on the White House Correspondents’ Dinner? Sure, the attempted assassin was openly training to attack the president while Bongino was still employed. But why would anyone expect the deputy director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation to direct a federal investigation? He’s a former Secret Service agent, for Christ's sake!
Dan’s Extremely Incompetent.
12. Mehmet Oz: Administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services
Dr. Oz’s main job is to save money and to ensure that Medicaid and Medicare work for the American people. As a physician, Dr. Oz seems like the perfect choice.
But what if the medical community accused him of "an egregious lack of integrity by promoting quack treatments and cures in the interest of personal financial gain"? What if they said he “has repeatedly shown disdain for science and for evidence-based medicine”? What if the U.S. government called him “irresponsible”? What if Dr. Oz's peers reviewed the claims he made on television and determined that "published evidence supported 46 percent of [his] recommendations, contradicted 15 percent, and did not support 39 percent? What if Dr. Oz is bad at counting?
But who cares if the administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services is bad at administration, medical care and medical aid?
11. Katie Zacharia: Former White House Press Secretary
I’m old enough to remember when being a “lawyer” meant you passed the bar exam, had some legal experience or at least knew things about the law. But thanks to Zacharia (and whiteness), I now know that I can just declare myself a lawyer.
Like Zacharia, I have never passed the bar exam. Yet, for some reason, no one has ever nominated me to the Supreme Court.
I blame racism.
10. Peter Navarro: Senior Counselor to the President for Trade and Manufacturing
How Peter Navarro joined the Trump administration might be the craziest story you’ve ever heard.
Trump hates China almost as much as he loves tariffs. No one knows why. None of it makes sense. Thankfully, Jared Kushner ran across a book called “Death by China,” written by a little-known economics professor named Peter Navarro. Although Navarro had written more than a dozen books, economics journals didn’t feature him because his peers considered him somewhat of a quack. But that didn’t matter to Trump, because Navarro always cited pro-tariff, anti-China economist Ron Vara to back his economic theories. Since Vara never responded to Trump’s job offers, he hired Navarro to help shape economic policy.
It turns out, Ron Vara is an anagram of Navarro’s name that Navarro made up because there was literally no other evidence to support his pro-tariff economic theory
And that’s how an imaginary friend broke the economy.
9. Natalie Harp: Executive Assistant to the President
Trump Natalie Harp credits Trump with passing the law that saved her from Stage 999 bone cancer.
That story probably never happened.
Still, she’s a super-religious, blonde evangelical Christian who aides call an “instant enabler” of Trump’s worst impulses and spends more time with the president “than almost anyone in his orbit.” She knows how to use an iPhone, so she sends angry text messages to people who won’t send him money. She knows how to use Truth Social, so Harp types for him. She’s the reason Laura Loomer is a thing. And because the “human printer” loves sending memes and usually handles Trump’s social media, Harp might be the only person Trump will protect at all costs. Oh wait…
Are we still pretending we don’t know who posted that Obama monkey meme?
8. Kristi Noem: Former Secretary of Homeland Security, Former Special Envoy for Shield of the Americas, Currently Special Advisor
According to Kristi Noem, Kristi Noem didn’t shoot her dog. Kristi Noem also denies that Kristi Noem had an affair with Kristi Noem’s employee. Kristi Noem also insists she didn’t help Kristi Noem’s daughter pass a standardized test. Kristi Noem demonizes trans people but doesn’t talk about Kristi Noem’s cross-dressing husband.
Kristi Noem didn’t have time to shoot more dogs because she was too busy helping Kristi Noem’s ICE Agents shoot people in the face. She had time to funnel taxpayer money to her friends, though. And even though she is terrible at every job, she is still employed in the Trump administration.
7. Linda McMahon: Secretary of Education
Linda McMahon has never worked as a teacher or educator. Still, her background as a wrestling promoter qualified her to help Trump destroy the Department of Education.
When the most unqualified, least educated secretary of education since Trump’s previous appointee, Betsy DeVos, testified before the House Committee on Education and Labor, she didn’t know who Ruby Bridges was. She had never heard of the Tulsa Race Massacre. Or DEI.
To be fair, McMahon wants kids to have “A-One” teachers.
She’s talking about A.I.
6. Alina Habba: Former Acting U.S. Attorney for District of New Jersey
Before joining the MAGA legal team, Alina Habba was an accomplished parking garage attorney who graduated from one of the worst law schools in America. She literally lost every single case she ever tried. Still, Habba knew why Trump tried to illegally install her as the U.S. Attorney for New Jersey:
“I don’t think I’d be on TV or sitting here if I didn’t look the way I look,” Habba told conservative podcaster Patrick Bet-David. “I don’t mind.”
5. Tulsi Gabbard: Former Director of National Intelligence
Democrats should admit they were wrong about Tulsi Gabbard
When Trump chose Gabbard as head of the government’s intelligence community, Hillary Clinton and Debbie Wasserman Schultz called her a “Russian asset.” Others scrutinized her ties to Syrian dictator Bashar Assad. Haters even gave the MAGA Cruella de Vil flak for a “paperwork problem” that delayed her confirmation hearing. Fortunately, Trump ignored it all and handed over America’s secrets to Gabbard and proved everyone was wrong.
Oh, Gabbard was an asset and a compromised double agent.
But she was doing it for a cult.
4. Pete Hegseth: Secretary of War
Pete Hegseth has leaked military secrets multiple times. He has puth the country on the precipice of losing a war. Service members are leaving in droves. Senior leaders are quitting. Planes are crashing. He’s running out of missiles and committing war crimes. He’s promoting public executions, conspiracy theories and Confederate traitors. Fortunately, Hegseth has a solution that will solve everything
Stop being a pussy.
3. J.D. Vance: Vice President
J.D. Vance might be the mediocre-est white man in the history of white mediocrity, but giving power to run-of-the-mill white boys is an American tradition. The doughnut enthusiast might be the puppet of tech oligarchs and pro-authoritarian race scientists, but who doesn’t like puppets? So if you’re wondering how Vance made it this high in the rankings, remember:
The only thing standing between J.D. Vance and the most powerful position in American government is an 80-year-old, obese president who gorges on Filet-O- Fish sandwiches and drinks Diet Coke all day.
That’s all.
2. Elon Musk: Head of the Department of Government Efficiency
The richest man on earth was born to a wealthy family in apartheid South Africa. After migrating to the U.S. for work, he didn’t invent anything. He’s not a computer programmer or an expert on any subject. A court found him liable in a fraud lawsuit, and he settled another. Americans have sued Musk and his companies for sex bias, racial discrimination and child sex abuse. And, as a migrant worker who receives billions in government handouts, Musk has always been very concerned about migrant workers receiving government handouts.
It only makes sense that Trump would ask a wasteful, fraudulent, abusive trillionaire to invent a government agency that would prevent waste, fraud and abuse.
In all fairness, some of the former DOGE employees who are getting rich on government contracts were very good at racism, misogyny and white supremacy. Sure, the DOGE layoffs disproportionately affected Black women and put Americans’ private data at risk. And according to the New York Times and the Washington Post, most of the savings attributed to DOGE came from a calculation error. But plane crashes, atomic explosions and 4.5 million dead children under the age of 5 are a small price to pay for a less efficient government.
Financially, DOGE was a waste. The savings turned out to be a fraud. It’s employees were abusive. Although Musk is the worst DOGE administrator in history, he did finally invent something.
The worst government agency in history.
1. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: Secretary of Health and Human Services
Years from now, in the not-so-distant future, a teacher will come across a group of children on the playground gathered around a boy as he tells the most unbelievable story they’ve ever heard:
…And according to my grandpa, Batman made America healthy again.
No seriously! When my grandpa was a kid, they didn’t know Batman was a supervillain until he started killing bears and sawing whales’ heads off. He would drive around with them, too!
No, I’m not lying!
My grandpa told me all about him. He was a rich guy who lived in a mansion and was raised by a surrogate after a villain killed his daddy. Plus, he talked like a robot. My granddad called him RFK Jr., but it was clearly Batman!
He even had a Batmobile! And this guy was a legit supervillain. But no one knew because he fucked all the reporters, and they made him look like a superhero. Plus he had a worm in his brain.
I swear, this is what my granddaddy said!
So anyway, they put Batman in charge of health and all the humans, and he—
What? No, he wasn’t a doctor. He didn’t have any kind of medical training, but he was rich! But this was on the internet and…
Anyway, grandpa says that when brain maggot Batman got in office, all the food turned to poison and when people ate their vegetables, their poop would turn into bombs. I know it sounds crazy but I looked it up, and explosive diarrhea is a real thing! And my grandpa said people started shitting out of their mouths.
Yes you can! According to my MetaGoogle ChatGPT glasses by Ray-Ban you can absolutely shit out of your mouth! But not the supervillain because he ate snorted cocaine off toilets! That’s what they used to kill germs because vaccines were illegal back then!
Don’t you read your history book?
So then, granddaddy said everyone started catching the measles! Yep, the measles came back. And the plague, too! And super gonorrhea. But they let the guy stay in office because he figured out that Tylenol cured autism!
You’ve never heard of autism? Well, you know how we know that everyone’s brains is different? Well, back in my grandpa’s day, they used to believe that interesting people had this disease called autism. And the worm-brained guy said being interesting was a side-effect of the measles shot. So he told people just to take Tylenol.
After Batman changed all the rules, a lot of people died from measles, mumps and rubella. I don’t know what rubella is, but it’s bad. If the rubella won’t kill you, the super gonorrhea will. Anyway, after they cleaned up all the dead bodies, my grandpa says he realized that the only people who were alive were the ones who listened to doctors and scientists instead of a maggot-brained rich guy who eats roadkill
But if you ask my grandpa, by killing off the dumbest, most gullible people, Batman technically made America healthy again.
Anyway, that’s why we put my granddad in the hospital.
He obviously has dementia.
Or maybe he’s just interesting.
As a Black Man who benefited from Affirmative Action in terms of college admissions
in 1971, this article cracks me up but makes me super mad at the same time. But, I have
to remind myself....this is America...it is what it is!