CRT for HOTD: We Used AI to Solve Every Problem on 'House of the Dragon' S03, E5
We fed Rhaenyra's problems into BlackGPT—the first artificial intelligence model guaranteed not to include white nonsense.
Each week, ContrabandCamp’s CRT for HOTD will recap HBO’s “House of the Dragon” from the perspective of marginalized groups in the HOTD cinematic universe.
Today, we asked BlackGPT to solve the problems presented in the fifth episode of season three.
Why are Black people automatically programmed to clap on the two and four? Who fed Lawry’s Seasoned Salt into the Black algorithm? Nearly half of the trans-Atlantic trafficking system’s human chattel came from sub-equatorial Africa, where the North Star is invisible. So how did the Underground Railroad’s GPS system know to “follow the drinking gourd”?
Well, if you have ever tapped into the large language model known as African American Vernacular English, you already know the answer.
We been using AI.
All Black people are born with a subscription to an intuitive database known as “ancestral information.” We began seeding our cloud-based data centers with the lessons passed down from our ancestors long before white girls like Alexa, Siri and Gemini developed a way to monetize white nonsense. These instincts are why HBCUs don’t offer Spades seminars. It’s why we don’t need electric slide lessons to learn how to dance on beat (technically, the Nupes’ shoulder shimmy is part of the Kappa Alpha Psi plugin). In fact, the automatic updates to the Black operating system are why every Black leader—from W.E.B. Du Bois and Frederick Douglass to Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X—has historically rejected capitalism.
For some reason, we can’t get this technology to work on white people.
We first made it available in 1865, but by 1876, it caused a glitch called Jim Crow. Our civil rights software resulted in the assassination of Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers and Malcolm X. After eight years of beta testing under Barack Obama and four years of the whitest president ever, we assumed that we’d ironed out all the kinks just in time for the first Black woman president.
Oh, well.
But now there’s BlackGPT®©TM
Our latest update—Blacks Leveraging Ancestral and Cultural Knowledge for Guidance, Perspective & Truth (BlackGPT)—combines the power of the internet, 500 years of the collective Black lived experience and recent advancements in wypipology in one all-inclusive, artificially intelligent large language model. After watching HBO’s House of the Dragon, our engineers realized there was a way to safely test BlackGPT without inadvertently sparking the kind of white backlash that caused segregation, massive resistance and a pedophile president.
Think about it: The George R.R. Martin Cinematic Universe might be the only place with more white nonsense than America. Plus, Rhaenyra Targaryen’s all-white Small Council has been falling apart ever since Corlys Velaryon abdicated his position as Hand of the Queen. That’s where we came in. After the fifth episode of season three, we gave Rhaenyra 24 hours with BlackGPT to see if it could solve the Seven Kingdoms’ most pressing problems.
Here are her prompts and her answers:
How do I address the civil unrest and the violent attacks on the Gold Cloaks without increasing crime?
Crime is a socioeconomic phenomenon, and you’re going through a recession.
The residents of Flea Bottom have dealt with police brutality, income inequality and food insecurity for years. But you know where there’s also a lot of violence, poverty and crime?
The Red Keep.
The city will always be vulnerable to civil unrest until you answer the following questions
Did the poor, impoverished masses steal the gold from the Seven Kingdoms?
Who owns the dragons that are eating all the meat in Westeros?
Did crime, sexual assault and violence decrease after you flooded Flea Bottom with gold cloaks or did it increase?
Whose fault is it that the city is overpoliced by poorly trained, over-militarized law enforcement officers who are immune to the consequences of their actions?
The people of Westeros will never be satisfied as long as the Westerosian is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. And if your law enforcement officers don’t enforce the law, prevent crime or even make the streets safe, then the answer is clear:
Abolish the Gold Cloaks.
Thankfully, someone is doing it for you.
