CRT For HOTD: The Definitive Auntie and Unc Power Rankings for 'House of the Dragon' S3,E6
After the sixth episode of "House of the Dragon" season three, we ranked the aunties and uncles of the Seven Kingdoms.
Nearly a decade ago, cultural critic Damon Young explored a question that had bedeviled the scientific community for centuries:
Young ultimately concluded that white people do, indeed, have cousins. Unfortunately, his groundbreaking research failed to explain why Caucasian cousin culture is so underdeveloped compared to its non-Yakubian counterparts. Is it a genetic defect or is it a byproduct of an overabundance of white privilege?
We already know white people don't have ancestors (as we've covered before, they have "forefathers," "patriarchs," and "kinsmen"). But episode six, season three of House of the Dragon just cracked open an even bigger question, one that might finally settle this whole debate once and for all:
Do white people have aunties and uncs?
I know what you’re thinking. But until forensic aunthropologists can confirm the moisture of Beatrice Taylor’s pound cake recipe, Aunt Bee will be categorized as an aunt. Bo and Luke Duke were adults the first time they spent the night with Uncle Jesse, so he doesn’t qualify. (Plus, a real unc would never let Daisy Duke leave the house wearing those shorts).
There’s a reason why white aunties and uncs are as rare as dragons in the Caucasian cinematic universe. It has nothing to do with lineage. While Buckra-Americans retain the option of disowning their kinfolk, Black folk must adhere to a very specific code of conduct to qualify as an auntie or unc. In fact, according to American University’s National Training Institute for the Exploration, Study & Understanding of Nieces, Cousins and Siblings (AUNTIES&UNCS), only 28.6% of parental siblings are board-certified aunties and uncles.
One could argue that this is what makes House of the Dragon so compelling.
Think about it: The whole premise of the show is about a fantasy world where white auntiedom and unclehood actually matter (sometimes a little too much). It’s hard to understand how Alicent let Daeron become a ward of Ormund and Ser Gwayne Hightower…unless you realize Alicent is a single mother who sent her son to “the country” so his uncles can teach him how to fight. It explains why “The Queen That Never Was” died fighting the people who were messing with her niece. Helaena is married to her brother, which technically makes her the mother and the auntie of her unborn child.
No wonder she won’t drink moon tea!
The latest episode of HOTD was so auntie and uncle-centric, it gave us the first opportunity to do something that has never been done before. For the first time ever, we got to rank white aunties and uncs based on five characteristics.
Nibling Values: How well do they treat their niblings compared to the traditional values of Black aunties and uncs?
Reciprocal energy: What do their nieces and nephews think of them?
Conflict: Would adhering to the auntie/unc code of conduct solve their conflict, or would it cause more problems?
Spend-the-nightability: Would you let your child stay with them overnight?
Characteristics: What is their most auntie- or unc-like quality?
Here is the definitive ranking of the aunties and uncs of the Seven Kingdoms.
11. Daemon Targaryen
What kind of man sneaks his brother’s underage daughter out of the house and takes her to the Magic City of Westeros? What kind of guy hates his nieces and nephews? Then again, what kind of father would send his daughter to live with a crazy white lady with a moon door?
Daemon Targaryen is unquestionably the worst unc in the Seven Kingdoms.
He began grooming his niece Rhaenyra to become his wife when she was just a teenager and loved hanging out with sex workers. Although he is doing better at saying “I told you so” whenever Rhaenyra comes to him with a question, his answers always begin the same way:
“We could kill my nephews…”
10. Alys Rivers
You should never let your kids spend the night with Alys Rivers.
First of all, have you seen how nasty she keeps Harrenhal? Apparently, she can make bats appear out of nowhere, but she can’t even sweep up a little bit. And, considering what the late Ser Simon Strong and his sons were eating when Aemond arrived, you know Alys can’t cook (Although, she apparently makes some powerful edibles).
The only thing that makes her better than Daemon is her ability to nurse sick people back to health. Although her family tree is pretty hazy, we know that she doesn’t have any nieces or nephews.
They definitely would’ve broken one of those dragon eggs by now.
9. Alicent Hightower
Any discussion of Alicent’s auntie abilities must begin with how she raised her own kids.
Aegon can’t even fathom that he is a terrible person, and Aemond hasn’t shown up to work for weeks. Besides pampering her two oldest sons so much that they killed their playcousins (Jace and Lycerys), she sent her son, Daeron, away with one of the worst cousins of all time, Ormund Hightower.
While it’s understandable why Alicent is mad at Helaena’s pro-life stance, her reason eludes logic. Basically her stance is: “You gotta kill this baby so Rhaenyra won’t kill this baby.” Still, my favorite thing about Auntie Ally is her lack of remorse. Every time Rhaenyra brings up her children’s death, Alicent responds in the whitest way of all time:
“My bad.”
8. Ormund Hightower
Alicent’s cousin is abusive, narcissistic and the kinda crazy. He is using his nephew to gain power by teaching Daeron a version of Hightower supremacy (In white lineage, Daeron is Ormund's cousin, but according to the dictates of Black Cousinology, that's his nephew). But despite being the epitome of evil, at least Ormund isn’t spoiling his nephew. He might be teaching Daeron skills like murdering innocent people, ignoring sexual violence and gentrifying the entire town of Tumbleton, but there’s one thing you have to say about Ormund:
He makes sure his nephew studies those history books.
7. Alyn of Hull
Some might assume that Alyn ranks so low because he was making out with his niece, but that’s just what they do in the Seven Kingdoms. No, Alyn’s unc scale rating is so low because of one thing:
You can’t be an unc without facial hair.
6. Rhaenyra Targaryen
First of all, let’s get this straight:
While Aegon, Aemond and Daeron are technically Rhaenyra’s half-siblings, according to the rules of Black families, those are her nephews. The fact that she has been so reluctant to assassinate them makes Rhaenyra a decent auntie. Plus, she was furious when Daemon murdered her actual nephew, Jaehaerys, and she could’ve easily murdered Helaena’s unborn child, but she hasn’t (so far). In fact, before Helaena tried to escape on the white Underground Railroad, Aunt Rhae-Rhae even allowed Jaehaera to play outside in the Kingswoods.
But Rhaenyra does have some shortcomings. A true auntie would have easily spotted the imposter that Ormund sent to her as Daeron, regardless of how good his dye job was. Now she wants to murder him.
I would argue that Daeron would be more reluctant to usurp his auntie if she showed up to a few birthday parties.
5. Addam of Hull
We first met Addam in Spicetown when he was summoned to fix the alternator on Corlys’ ships. The next time we saw him, he was cooking crab legs, and we know he loves fishing.
Classic unc behavior.
Besides being a good treeshade mechanic and a grill master, Addam is always looking out for his nieces. He is constantly telling his niece Baela to stop hanging out all night and get more sleep. He even took her out to dinner in episode five and promised to rescue her if she ever married a no-good husband. He would probably treat Rhaena the same way if he knew her better.
And unlike his brother, Alyn, Addam refused to change his hair to hide who he is.
He’s a lot like his daddy.
4. Gwayne Hightower
Ser Gwayne is just a decent man.
Although Ser Criston Cole fancies himself as someone who lives by a code of honor, Ser Gwayne is the one who refused to ignore sexual assault. Unlike his cousin Ormund, he knows when his opps are up to something shady. He is willing to protect his nephew and, unlike his father and his cousin, he doesn’t crave power. Gwayne only wants one thing:
To take his horse to Oldtown Road.
3. Larys Strong
I know this one would be controversial, but remember, these rankings have nothing to do with personal ethics or their character as a person. It’s about your qualities as an unc or auntie. And when it comes to Aegon’s adopted uncle, Larys has mastered a skill that might be the most important unc trait of all:
Nobody will lie like an unc.
Besides embellishing stories about how he taught your daddy everything he knows, including how to holla at your mama, an unc will lie to your parents, the police and God himself to protect his nieces and nephews.
That’s Larys Strong.
Like any good unc, Larys taught Aegon how to keep his head down and keep your mouth shut to “keep them white folks off your back.” Anyone would understand why you were depressed about the death of your pet dragon, but only an unc would tell you to stop crying like a bitch. And just as a true unc won’t hesitate to tell you when you’re acting like a punk, Larys told Aegon that he was a terrible king and a terrible man.
Only an unc would do that.
2. Helaena Targaryen
Helaena Targaryen is almost an auntie stereotype.
She gardens. She is very religious. She knits. She is always wearing a housecoat. She dotes over her kids/nieces and nephews. Besides going to church and escaping an assault on the Red Keep, you will never see Helaena in the streets. And, although she might be on the spectrum, Helaena can tell when you’re lying and won’t hesitate to call you out for it.
If there’s one person you should listen to when they say they had a “bad feeling” about something, it’s your auntie who is always seeing “visions.” In Westeros, she’s a seer. But in the Black community, the supernatural abilities that lead and guide Helaena align with an attribute shared by many aunties:
Helaena has the Holy Ghost.
1. Corlys Velaryon
Corlys Velaryon is a living contradiction.
He will show you the highest level of respect, but he will cuss you out and call your children all kinds of names if he feels disrespected. He married a white girl and kept a Black woman as a sidepiece. He will fight for his country, even though he’s not patriotic. He has more money than most of his white friends, but he doesn’t brag about it. He loves when his grandkids come over, but stayed away from his sons for years.
Like many uncles, Corlys has a couple of outside kids that his wife didn’t know about. His unc-centric advice is so good that it helped him become Hand of the King. But the first time Corlys’ white boss disrespected him, he told Rhaenyra to “fuck this job and your bastard kids.” Perhaps the best example of Corlys’ uncledom happened when he whipped his ship through the Gullet between Dragonstone and Driftmark like it was a Cadillac on a one-way street.
Also, he can fight.
But Corlys isn’t perfect.
He tried to hook up his underage daughter Laena with Viserys when she was still in single digits. He was willing to work with the cops. In fact, the only reason Corlys Velaryon is (probably) dead is that he ignored the No. 1 rule of unc-hood
Stay out of white folks’ business.
😂