Breaking News: 'Woke' Protest Leader Resurrects Message Days After Being Killed By Feds
According to Christ Resurrection Theorists, the reports of Yeshua Ben Yosef's demise has been greatly exaggerated.
Three days after his arrest, trial and public lynching, a well-known community activist has reportedly received a posthumous pardon from his father, granting him a reprieve from death.
Known by his numerous street names, including J Christ, Da’ Messiah and Young Jeezy of Nazareth, Yeshua Ben Yosef had long drawn the ire of the Herod administration for giving away free healthcare, demonizing the rich and promoting other “radical leftist ideas.” After Ben Yosef and other protestors interrupted a local church service last week, administration officials raided the Olive Garden in Jerusalem’s Gethsemane neighborhood and charged the 33-year-old Bethlehem native with a litany of crimes, including:
Disorderly conduct
Walking on water without a boating permit;
Operating an illegal water-to-wine business;
Healing the sick without a medical license;
Disrupting the business of a federally licensed money-lender; and
Violating the federal ban on diversity, equity and inclusion.
Herod appointee Pontius Pilate sentenced Ben Yosef to death after a jury convicted Ben Yosef in a rushed trial that many compared to a lynch mob. Longtime associate Simon Peter was also initially charged with assaulting an officer and resisting arrest for cutting an officer’s ear off. But prosecutors dropped the charges when public defenders pointed at the officer’s pristine earlobes. Pressured to testify against the protest movement, at least one member of Jesus’ crew declined.
“Who are y’all talking about?” asked trusted ally Peter, just before a cock crowed. “I told y’all three times I don’t know no damn Jesus!!”
Some speculated that the protest leader might get a pardon, but others were skeptical. “We don’t have enough money to buy a pardon,” said Thomas, doubtfully. “That’s as a camel passing through the eye of a needle.” Thomas also dismissed rumors that a crypto account owned by Judas Iscariot recently received a deposit of 30 bitcoin.
Although civil rights organizations and legal experts noted the lack of due process, the activist was executed at a Calvary crucifixion facility known on late Friday evening.
On Sunday, social media sleuths began to post evidence that contradicts the government’s account.
