An Official Statement On The Upcoming Mass Shooting

America is so numb to gun violence that we've created a preemptive statement to serve all your mass casualty needs.

(Photo: Envato)

According to the Gun Violence Archive, there have been 4,978 mass shootings (any event where four or more people are shot or killed in a single incident, not including the shooter ) over the last 10 years in the United States.

There was a time when mass murders once sparked outrage among activists and caused legislators to take action against gun manufacturers, the NRA and Republicans. Today, synagogue attacks, school shootings and hate crimes are just a minor inconvenience, barely worthy of a small thought and a quick prayer. Apparently, the government’s time management team even created a handy-dandy template ideally suited for the homicide normalization era.

Thanks to our anonymous sources, ContrabandCamp is making this top-secret document publicly available.

If this country is going to ignore death, why not do it as efficiently as possible?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

[Location of dead people, but not too close] –On (insert date here)at (insert random number) hundred hours,¹ law enforcement authorities, along with (administrators/security personnel/people with clipboards behind me) responded to reports of an active shooter at (insert location here). After telling the “female body inspector” joke for the 372nd time, FBI director Kash Patel dropped his girlfriend off in the “bootycopter” and immediately issued a shelter-in-place directive and ordered a lockdown for all (employees/students/people who know how to duck and cover).