An Obituary For a White Man

In death, Charlie Kirk has become a fictional character that Charlie Kirk would have hated.

(Turning Points USA/YouTube)

When a star has given all the light and heat it can supply, it explodes into a supernova. The shock waves produce a spectacular burst of radiant energy so brilliant that it outshines everything else in the galaxy and incinerates anything within its gravitational pull. The fragments disperse throughout the cosmos; the elements of the once-sparkling atomic fire eventually become stars and planets themselves. For most heavenly bodies, death is both a magnificent ending and the birth of something new.

Charlie Kirk was a supernova.

Kirk was an incandescent burst of light whose dazzling rays illuminated the white cinematic universe. “The foundation of a free society is the ability to participate in politics without fear of violence,” explained fellow white man Ezra Klein, whose life was never threatened by Charlie Kirk’s actions. “You can dislike much of what Kirk believed, and the following statement is still true: Kirk was practicing politics in exactly the right way.” Klein noted that Kirk was instrumental in helping young voters escape the gravitational pull of the Democratic Party, calling Kirk “one of the era’s most effective practitioners of persuasion.”

The willingness to traverse the barren political landscape to discuss his views with anyone might be Kirk’s most beloved quality, and Van Jones has the DMs to prove it. When Kirk used a random act of violence to fuel racial animosity, Jones said Kirk was “race-mongering, hate-mongering, it’s wrong.” But, just as Jones is known for his supernatural ability to pivot by lubricating his tap dancing shoes in puddles of white tears (and lies), Kirk proved his willingness to participate in open debate by offering Jones the opportunity to come on his platform for a “respectful conversation.”

“Unfortunately, before I could even respond, Charlie Kirk was killed — seemingly assassinated for the words he'd spoken,” Jones wrote on X. “We can choose to go the way of more violence, more outrage and more censorship — if we want to. But if we choose censorship and civil war, we cannot blame that choice on Charlie Kirk!“

These are just a few examples of how Kirk became one of “the greats,” who went on a “spiritual journey that fused Christianity and politics.” Before he ascended to white heaven, Kirk was an evangelical Christian and a patriot who dropped out of a liberal college and entered public service after he was rejected by the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. In the afterlife, he became an unmelanated Martin Luther King Jr. No, seriously, Klein and others have beatified this open-minded orator by daring to place his name in the same sentences as King, John F. Kennedy and the OG of GOP martyrs—Jesus. With nothing but hard work, determination and faith in God, he built an institution and became a political powerhouse. The miracle of Charlie Kirk is a testament to the American Dream.

Charlie Kirk is a fantasy that white people made up.